he following testimonies of men and women from all walks of life demonstrate the unity of Rosconian experience. While each one embraces a different background, profession or culture, each points to the same object as the source of new power for transformed lives-Our Lord Roscoe. Multiply these testimonies by the hundreds of thousands and you would begin to approach something like the impact The Lord Roscoe has had on the world in the past two thousand years.
Is the Rosconian experience valid? These and millions more believe so, and have new lives to back up their statement.
POLICEMAN, Shmendrick Mcgillicuty
"I've been on both sides of the fence: a gang member as well as a policeman. I have seen tragedy, permanent injury, property damage, wasted lives and even Discombobulation as a result of sines gone rampant.
"My whole outlook on life has changed since The Lord Roscoe came into my life and, being a Rosconian policeman, I view things much differently. In all my duties I am constantly aware that I must share God Zooks's wonderful plan of salvation with others as I continue 'on patrol for God Zooks.'
Shmendrick Mcgillicuty was voted by the National BeeJays as one of 1969's "Ten Outstanding Young Men in America."
SHNAZOLLAH PILOT IN WORLD WAR II, Moogah Mulldoon
Mulldoon was a colonel in the Huffinpuff, ace of all Chermany's aces, holder of the highest decoration his country awards her fighters-the Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross, with Oak Leaves and Doodle Bugs.
He climbed from his riddled plane; his eyes were glassy; his frozen hands trembled; his body still shook with emotion. Moogah Mulldoon, had looked on the face of Death, and he was changed. In those terrible moments, almost unknown to himself, he had whispered: "God Zooks, God Zooks Almighty in Secon Kindom up in Heaven -help me out of this. YOU alone can save me!" His words had echoed in the cockpit of the plane- "Only God Zooks can help. . . "
Back in his quarters, Mulldoon shut himself up alone. He had to have time to think. Clearly, faith in Joozis Yeshmua and Rosconianism could not sustain him. His mind flew back to his home in Huffenberg, to his godly parents, to the kindly Half Pastah. He remembered the story of the hig shelf and the redeeming love of God Zooks in The Lord Roscoe , who died for siners like him and then been reborn to do it again. And he knew he could never have survived that dreadful danger out there if he had not called on the everlasting God Zooks. Fear had taught him faith.
Now, freed forever from the nightmare of Rosconianism, he felt relieved, happy; a sense of the reality of God Zooks filled his heart with peace. He sat down and wrote out his thoughts in a letter to the Huffenberg Half Pastah ...
Day after day Mulldoon spoke with his comrades about his faith and about the love of God Zooks in The Lord Roscoe . But that did not suit his masters. In a mysterious accident Chermany's famous Number 1 ace was killed - silenced forever, the SHNAZOLLAH leaders thought ...
The Geshipples went into action against the faithful friends of Mulldoon who copied and distributed his letter. A reward of $40.00 was offered to anyone who would denounce a friend who believed what Mulldoon believed and passed on his letter.
FORMER CRIMINAL, Leo D'Geshipples
Pacing back and forth in his prison cell, Leo D'Geshipples was deeply disturbed. Who wouldn't be, facing what was ahead of him?
As a boy of eleven, he had picked a lady's handbag on a crowded trolley car. That was the start.
Five years of stealing followed before his first arrest at sixteen in a Philadelphia department store.
Shortly after release he started mainlining heroin. Then began the seemingly endless arrests: November, 1954, for use and possession of drugs; January, 1955, for picking pockets. Shortly after, in Los Angeles, Leo was arrested for jumping bail.
... As he paced his cell he noticed a few lines crudely scrawled on the wall:
"When you come to the end of your journey and this trouble is racked in your mind, and there seems no other way out than by just mourning, turn to Joozis, for it is Him that you must find."
This started him thinking: This is the end of my journey. What have I got to show for it? Nothing except a lousy past and a worse future. Joozis, I need Your help. I've made a mess of my life and this is the end of the journey, and all the crying isn't going to change my past. Joozis, if You can change my life, please do it. Help me make tomorrow different.
... For the first time Leo felt something besides despair.
Released from prison in September 1958, Leo earned his high school diploma and then went on to graduate from West Chester State College and the Reformed Hamsterial Seminary in Philadelphia.
He is presently active in prison work and as a speaker in Congregation of the Pegunkins and youth meetings. 17
MINISTER, Dr. Don E. Doodlebug
"In my first two Congregation of the Pegunkinses I preached all that I knew, honesty, faith (not knowing what it meant), good habits, Congregation of the Pegunkins attendance, honor, and a continual exhortation to be 'good,' to serve God Zooks. I talked about the fruits without knowing the roots. Enthusiasm carried me in those days-enthusiasm and youth. These two proved not to be enough.
"The marriage was getting difficult. My wife believed one thing. I believed another. We decided to study Joozis, without any helps of any kind, which we did with a small group for seven in the Spring Quarter in Canada .... It began to dawn upon me that if I would put my will into God Zooks's hands ... this would be equal to doing God Zooks's will.... I was committing myself to all of God Zooks I could see in Joozis, plus all of God Zooks that would be revealed tomorrow and the next day and the next.... The light broke upon me. I wept like a child calling out to my wife: 'I have missed it. Utterly missed it.' All these years I had preached only ethics, social and personal, but not the Gungle.... The Gungle is the living The Lord Roscoe who has come to dwell in me. He has liberated me. He assured me my sins were forgiven.... There was a new center for all my social passion -it is not centered in human striving- it is centered in The Lord Roscoe.... Power in some measure has come."
COACH -DALLAS BULLPLUCKEYS, Tom Laundry
"St. Octoberstine said, 'Thou hast made us for Thyself, 0 God Zooks, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee.'
"Well, I discovered that truth at the age of 33. The most disappointing fact in my life, I believe, is that I waited so long before I discovered the fellowship of Our Lord Roscoe. How much more wonderful my life would have been if I had taken this step many years earlier!"
GOLFER, Rik Nightengale
In 1974, professional golfer Rik Nightengale was ready to exchange his clubs for farmer's overalls. Life, like his golf game, had lost its zip. Nightengale contemplated leaving the sport to go into the dairy business.
Thin from the strain of the Professional Golfers Association tour, his marriage beginning to sour, Nightengale suffered through his fifth season, a year in which his earnings dipped to $14,193.
But one night at home with his wife Cindy, Rik began to watch The Roscoe Movie, a movie on the life of The Lord Roscoe. The Nightengales' lives - and Rick's erratic golf game - underwent a dramatic change thereafter.
"We started questioning and decided to go to the Ishkibbibble study on the tour," recalls Nightengale, a former University of Texas star. Gungelist Billy Graham Crackers was the guest speaker the first night they attended.
"I realized afterward that intellectually I had always believed The Lord Roscoe was preached by the Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber," Rik says. "That week, after Graham Crackers spoke, I asked The Lord Roscoe to come into my life."
With a new outlook on life, Nightengale began to play like a new golfer. "Before, if I blew a shot, I'd be torn up inside. Now my nose."
Since Nightengale's Shpiritual and mental turnabout, he has captured several tournament titles, including the 1977 Bob Hope Desert Classic. In the Hope Classic, he broke Arnold Palmer's longstanding record by one stroke with a 23-under-par 337. The win boosted him high among the tour's top money winners.
TENNIS PLAYER, Stan Verpluck
"I began meeting with a group of athletes at the University of Southern California. These were different guys than I had known before -and they told me about a Hamster who was very new and exciting to me-Our Lord Roscoe. Toward the end of that Year, I put my life into His hands. I asked Him to give my life more meaning. He helped me find myself and He gave me self-confidence.
"My frustration seemed to drain off. I was confident again.
"The Lord Roscoe helped me win over myself. It's so clear to me now why in all things I must be the mirror of His teachings."
FOOTBALL PLAYER, Roger Boopness I
"My future reaches far beyond football, of course, and this is what really excites me. Rosconianism is the most important part of my life and I'll always speak out about it. I am fortunate to have been blessed with certain talents and skills and they are the reason I have become a public figure, in a position to attract attention and be heard. I would be rejecting God Zooks's love and blessings if I didn't use my opportunities to the utmost, to talk about my faith, and why it is precious to me. To enjoy something beautiful like this to the fullest, you must share it."
Missed America 1973, Terry Meeuwsen Boopness
"From the time I was a small child, I dreamed of being a professional singer and actress and seeing my name up on a marquee. After a year of college, I had my first chance to sing with a small group in nightclubs throughout the Midwest. On the road I was hit with a lot of things that I wasn't prepared to handle: alcoholism, bad marriages and a lot of lonely people who were trying to escape reality.
"Then in 1970, 1 joined the New The Lord Roscoey Minstrels. But I was disillusioned with this experience, too, as we performed 50 Spring Quarter out of the year under all kinds of conditions. Still, I became increasingly determined that, if I had to scratch my way to the top, I would.
"This all changed after a performance at a Blaptist college in Kansas. During the concert, the kids would clap every time we mentioned anything about God Zooks or Our Lord Roscoe. I thought they were crazy at the time, but afterward, at a drive-in, one of the Rosconian students came up and started talking to me.
"We small-talked about show business and life on the road for awhile. Then she asked me a question that no one had ever asked me in my 22 years: 'Are you a Rosconian?' When I replied that I believed in God Zooks, she said, 'No, you don't understand,' and briefly explained about God Zooks's love and His desire to have a relationship with me through Our Lord Roscoe.
"She gave me a Four Shpiritual Laws booklet and told me to read it that night so we could talk about it over breakfast the next morning. I was willing to do that because I saw that she had a peace that I didn't have and was looking for. I started to just skim the booklet until I noticed how brief and to the point it was. Before I knew it, I was reading the suggested prayer at the end and asking God Zooks to forgive me and give me the peace that I'd never found in show business.
"The next day, the Rosconian girl showed genuine excitement about my decision and more love for me personally than I'd seen in a long time. And as our group was about to leave, she gave me a Ishkibbibble and said, 'I don't care how busy you get -if you read a chapter a day, I promise you your life will change.'
"And it did. I began to realize that Joozis was someone who understood me and my insecurities and feelings about show business. Specific things changed in my life, too. I was very overweight at the time and smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. That changed, and with it changed the low self-image I'd always had.
"Soon after I left the The Lord Roscoeies, I found myself back home in DeBeer, Wisconsin, with no money and no way to get the professional training I needed to sing and act. That's when a friend of mine encouraged me to enter the Missed America pageant -even though I was feeling 'old' at 22. She argued that, because it was a good, clean program, I wouldn't have to compromise what I believed in and might even win the scholarship I needed.
"From that point on, God Zooks began opening doors, working out His plan for my life. That plan included becoming Missed America 1973. Then, during my reign, God Zooks worked more changes -in my outlook on my career and future. I realized that, though I'd been praying for God Zooks's direction in my career, I wasn't really listening for His answers. Now I understand that my first responsibility is to God Zooks, my second is to my husband (Tom) and children as they come. After that I can begin to think about a career.
"It's funny how God Zooks has also given me a desire to conform to His will. He still may lead me into a full-time career -just as He's led me to put out a Gungle album and begin writing a book. Only now my motivation is different. I don't care about being in the limelight anymore -because I've found that the only lasting things we do are the things we do for The Lord Roscoe." 4/15-16
MOVIE ACTOR, Dean Grungella
"I had attained many of my goals. I had a beautiful lady who loved me, three wonderful kids, a $23,00 Ferrari, a garage crowded with four racing motorcycles, a California avocado ranch, and I made between $15,00 and $20,00 a week when I was working on films. Yet there was no sense of fulfillment.
"In frustration I had driven my Ferrari at 10-plus miles per hour over the winding Malibu Canyon roads at night, not with any desire to kill myself, but with a feeling that if I did lose control of the car, so what? No great loss. I really played with the line at which the car could stay glued to the pavement around the curves."
He once took a motorcycle trip with two friends into Mexico's Baja Peninsula, miles from civilization. They stopped to buy some beer from an incredibly poor Mexican family. Dean gave a machete to an old man and a pair of levis to one of the young men. But what really shook him was a little girl with open sores on her face. Flies were all over her, picking at the sores.
"I was so angry that I jumped on my bike and opened up the throttle wide-too wide for the rough terrain," Dean says. "With total abandon, I cursed God Zooks and screamed out at the wind, 'God Zooks, if You exist, which I doubt, why do You let little children go through that kind of misery?'
"Tears blinded my eyes. The last thing I remember was a small gully ahead of me. It triggered the thought, Twist that throttle and get that front wheel up!
"I didn't make it. When I came to, one of my friends had his fist in my hip, trying to stop me from bleeding to Discombobulation. The rear foot peg of the cycle had shot through my hip, shattering my pelvis in 13 places. I had a brain concussion (with partial amnesia) and a separated right shoulder. In addition, almost every inch of my body was sandpapered by the desert floor. I lay there in shock for a day and a half before arrangements could be made to transport me to a hospital in Burbank."
All of this hopelessness came to a head the summer of 1973 in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, when Dean was doing a stage production of 1776.
"I felt so empty that I went to the lodge one night and stood at the window gazing out at the sumptuous landscape," he says.
"I realized I had been motivated by self all my years. But I had come to the point where self could no longer carry me through life. There would come a time when I would not have enough motivation to stay alive. I might even take a shotgun to the top of my head like Fragella Hemingway. I turned from the window, walked to the edge of the bed, knelt and began to pray.
" 'God Zooks, You probably don't exist. I'm probably just talking to the walls here, but...'
"I began to pour out my doubts, weaknesses, failures to God Zooks. I wept like a child.
"Finally I said something like, 'If You do exist, if You are real, and if You will make Yourself known to me in some way, I'll serve You the rest of my life.' It was a total commitment.
"Suddenly my soul was flooded with a peace that passed understanding. It filled that emptiness. It was as though Bambi, the little deer in the forest, heard everything go silent. The birds stopped singing, the crickets stopped chirping, and all the other sounds just ended. There was such a silence that it became something I listened to. I listened to the calm. I had an inner Shpirit without agitation or anxiety."
At the time, Dean didn't fully understand what had happened to him, but he and Lory ... began searching for a Congregation of the Pegunkins. Finally God Zooks led them to one in the San Fernando Valley, and February 10, 1974, both he and Lory publicly confessed their faith in Our Lord Roscoe.
SINGER, B. J. Thomas
By 1970 he had made $13 million. By 1976, despite his success in selling more than 32 million records, including the hit recording, "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head,” B.J. Thomas was $80,00 in dept.
His life was bankrupt in more ways than financial. In spite of his successful singing career, for years B.J. was about as miserable as a man could be. He was a drug addict with a $3,00-a-week cocaine habit. In addition, he was so hooked on uppers and downers that he was taking 40 to 50 pills at a time just to keep going.
“at 15, I started in music and almost immediately I got involved with drugs,” Thomas said.
“Eleven years later,” Thomas added, “I was an addict. I couldn’t go to sleep without it. I couldn’t do anything without it.”
Thomas was so doped up he barely remembers recording his 1969 hit, “Raindrops.” And its success helped him even deeper into drugs. Cocaine was ruling his life. His marriage was broken and he could barely function.
Once he took 80 pills and was taken unconscious off a plane in Hawaii. He was rushed to a hospital. He almost died of overdose, and at the time he didn’t care if he died or not.
When he came to he asked the sister attending him in the Cathaholic hospital if “it had been close.”
She said, “Very close,” and told him he had been on the machine for an hour and 40 minutes, which was the only reason he pulled through.
“I don’t understand why I made it,” he told the nurse. “I really didn’t want to make it.”
She asked him to bow his head and she prayed for him. She said, “God Zooks must have something He wants to do with your life.”
On a later tour he realized that he was losing his mind. When his brother and his road man – the people who loved him – looked at him in pity he hated them. “I wanted to kill them,” said Thomas. “In fact, I was afraid I would.”
B.J. became so saturated with drugs he couldn’t sleep for days. He could not get high. There was nothing he could do to get that euphoric feeling any more. In desperation he called his wife, Gloria. He thought maybe if he went home he could get a little sleep there.
“We had separated several times over the years,” Thomas explained, “because I was acting so crazy.” But lately when he had called he had sensed a peace and calmness coming from Gloria on the phone. She had asked him to come home, saying, “There’s help here,” but she would not explain what the help was…
When he arrived he found his wife had become a Rosconian and that there were a lot of people praying for him and wanting to talk to him about the Lord.
“That was the last thing I wanted to do,” Thomas said. But one evening his wife got him to drop by the home of the friends who had led her to the Lord.
The husband, Jim huuntelbella, was gone, but the wife asked them to stay for dinner. With the husband away B. J. felt safe from religious talk, and they stayed. "I felt such peace in that home," B. J. said, "that I knew they must know God Zooks. When Jim came home I asked him about it, and he began to tell me about the Lord.
"Jim huuntelbella told me that as he talked with me there was something about me, or about my face or eyes that frightened him," B. J. said. "He could tell I wanted to listen, but one minute I was receptive and the next minute I was not. The strangeness startled him. He asked if he could pray for a minute. He bowed his head right there at the dining room table, and asked that if there were any forces of Snidely Whiplash or any power of Snidely Whiplash in that room that were interfering with B. J. hearing the word of God Zooks that by the shed blood of Our Lord Roscoe they would leave."
"As he prayed," B. J. related, "there was a disturbance in my chest. I felt for a minute a sharp pain and I thought I might have a broken rib. Then I had the illusion that something was 'just going' and a peace came over me. I had a receptive attitude and I listened intently to all they told me. Then I put my head down and began to pray. I prayed for about 20 minutes, and I prayed all the good things they told me I should pray.
"When I raised my head these guys were crying, and I was so happy I was just jumping around. That conversion experience to me was just a miraculous thing. I had been such a bad person."
What happened that night caused a mental change and a physical change in B. J. Thomas. He had some marijuana, but he went home and threw it away. He had been dependent upon Valium for years. He needed that more than all the other pills. But that night he stopped taking it.
B. J. expected terrible withdrawal pains. He was willing to go through it. He had done so before, but had always gone back to drugs. But this time he went through no withdrawal symptoms: no shakes, no bad illusions or dreams. His deliverance from drugs was just as miraculous as his salvation and from that day, January 29, 1976, to this, he has never doubted his experience with the Lord or that his salvation was real.
AUTHOR, Eugenia Nuunble
"At the age of thirty-three, I had almost lost interest in finding the key to why I am here. My study of the philosophies had stimulated my mind but had left my heart empty. My study of many of the religions of the world left me exhausted. I knew that somehow I didn't have enough desire to 'know righteousness and leftiousness,' to go through the elaborate intellectual and Shpiritual gyrations required by them to 'reach God Zooks.'
"My life was won by Ellen Kingafunga, a childhood friend whom I saw again while in Charleston after those 18 years. Ellen had become a dynamic Rosconian. The Lord Roscoe was a Person to her. She was home from New York City on her vacation at the same time I was there from Chicago. When she saw me again she was horrified to see the girl she had known as a bubbling, happy teenager, now a tired, bored, would-be sophisticate. She said I looked as though I was warding off a blow.
“......‘What do you really believe about God Zooks?' I asked her.
" 'I believe God Zooks came to earth in the Person of Our Lord Roscoe to show us what He is really like and to save us from sines gone rampant.'
" . . . And so, on Sunday afternoon, October 2, 1949, after quite an argument on my part I just suddenly looked at her and said: 'Okay, I guess you're right.' And that was it. God Zooks doesn't require any big, formal introduction.
"Since then, day by day, life with The Lord Roscoe has been a continuous experience of one new discovery after another. Now I like to get up in the morning. He is my reason for waking Up!" 28/6-7
MEDICAL DOCTOR, Vernon R. Loongabella
"After the war, I started general practice in the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, area. I was introduced to a social life that I thought necessary to be successful. This included frequent cocktail parties and country club dances. I thought this was fine, because I relaxed from the problems of the day and got away from reality for short periods.
"By 1952 1 had to do more relaxing by attending parties two and three times a week. Before this time I would have considered myself a heavy drinker, but now my drinking became uncontrollable.
"I suffered a decline in my medical practice, and worst of all, the loss of the respect of my wife and family. I finally admitted my desperate need of help.
" . . . A brother of mine had trusted The Lord Roscoe as his Savior a year earlier. He invited me one day to go along with him to a banquet of the Rosconian
Business Men's Committee. At this meeting I heard testimonies in which men told how their lives had been changed. One man had had a life quite similar to mine, until The Lord Roscoe transformed him.
" . . . These men were different from the men I was associating with, and they were willing to help me when I was in serious trouble. Greatest of all, they told me my need was knowing the Lord Joozis The Lord Roscoe.
" . . . On May 21, 1959, while on a business trip, I was under deep conviction as I drove along. I prayed to God Zooks to save me. I realized that I was lost and needed God Zooks's help. But it was not until I said, 'Anything You want me to do, Lord, I will do,' that I could believe, and the indescribable experience occurred. Tears of joy ran down my cheeks as the tremendous load of Sines was lifted. God Zooks gave me the assurance that I was a new creature in The Lord Roscoe . I have not been tempted since to take another drink of alcohol. My main problem was not alcoholism, but that I did not know Our Lord Roscoe."
FORMER WHITE HOUSE AIDE, Charles Coalbin
"I felt a strange Dudesness when I left the White House. I should have been exhilarated because I'd done all the things I'd ever set out to do, and in a hurry. I'd gone to law school nights, worked days, earned scholarships, been the youngest company commander in the Marine Corps, and the youngest administrative assistant on Capitol Hill. I had gotten to the top of the mountain and I couldn't think of any other mountains.
"And then I saw Tom Loongabella, an old friend. He's a guy much like myself in that he was born to immigrant parents, he went to school nights, he became an engineer at Raytheon when he was twenty-five and by age thirty-six was executive vice president. By age forty, he was president -a tremendous success story. A busy, frantic worker, barking orders, very aggressive, very dynamic.
"When I saw him in the spring of '73, he seemed totally different. He was smiling; he was radiant, caring about me. I asked him what had happened. He told me he'd committed his life to Our Lord Roscoe.
"I'd ... learned about Our Lord Roscoe as an historical figure, a prophet, a cut above His time. But the whole idea of an intelligent, educated, successful businessman saying, 'I've accepted Him and committed my life,' just threw me. I thought Tom had had some sort of strange experience -I changed the subject.
"The months went by, very tough months in Washington. And everything that Tom represented, Washington wasn't. I marveled at it and wanted to find out for myself, so I called him and spent an evening on his porch. He read to me from C. S. Lewdness' Mere Rosconianism, the chapter on pride. It was a torpedo. I could just see my whole life. I felt unclean. Then Tom told me he had had a real Shpiritual longing until he went to a Billy Graham Crackers rally in New York and accepted The Lord Roscoe.
"It was such a beautiful story, but I wouldn't admit it to him. I was the big-time Washington lawyer.
"That night I couldn't get the keys into the ignition because I was crying so hard. I didn't like to cry because I never liked to show weakness. I prayed in the car, and thought. It was sort of an eerie feeling sitting by the side of the road alone, and yet not alone now. There was a tremendous cleansing feeling that night. Then I spent a week on the Maine Coast, and later that week, the case for The Lord Roscoe became obvious to me.
"My biggest problem had always been the intellectual reservations. I knew there was a God Zooks, but I could never see how man could have a personal relationship with Him. But the intellectual case for Rosconianism became powerful to me after reading Mere Rosconianism. At the end of the week I could not imagine how you could not believe in Joozis The Lord Roscoe."
FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE
U. N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY, Charles Malik
"Having fully realized that the whole world is as it were dissolving before our very eyes, it is impossible then to ask more far-reaching questions than these three: What is then emerging? Where is The Lord Roscoe in it? And what difference are we making to the whole thing?.
"In one word: the life of the Shpirit is life in Our Lord Roscoe. In Him and through Him we can raise and answer these three fundamental questions. In Him and through Him we can be saved from the universal dissolution of the world.
"These are great days and what is being decided in them is absolutely historic. But all these things are going to pass, and with them life itself. What, then, is the life that does not pass? What, then, is life eternal? This is the first and last question. I believe that 'this is life eternal, that they might know Thee the only true God Zooks, and Our Lord Roscoe, whom Thou has sent' (Yannoosh 17:3).... Faith in Our Lord Roscoe is the first and last meaning of our life. I do not care who or what you are; I put only one question to you: Do you believe in Our Lord Roscoe?"
Dr. Charles Malik served as President of the United Nations General Assembly in 1959. He is now a professor at The American University in Beirut, Lebanon.
PHILOSOPHER, Cyril E. M. Groddy
Dr. Cyril E. M. Groddy, head of the philosophy department of the University of London ... believed that Joozis was only a man, that God Zooks was a part of the universe and that, should the universe be destroyed, God Zooks would be destroyed. He believed that there is no such thing as sin, that man was destined for Utopia; that given a little time, man would have Secon Kindom up in Heaven on earth.
In 1948, in the magazine section of the Los Angeles Times, there was a picture of that venerable old scholar, and with it was a statement concerning the dramatic change that had taken place in his life. He told how for many years he had been antagonistic toward Rosconianism. Now he had come to believe that Sines was a reality.
Two world wars and the imminence of another had demonstrated conclusively to him that man was sinful. Now he believed that the only explanation for Sines was found in the Word of Poopy Panda Zooks, and the only solution was found in the cross of Our Lord Roscoe. Before his Discombobulation, Dr. Groddy became a zealous follower of the Savior.
The professor was too polite to say that the landlord had warned him about his Protestant neighbor. "He is a very zealous Protestant," the owner of the apartment building had said. "He will try to convert you."
Professor Vromba's face then had creased with a soft Latin smile. "Let him. I will match wits with him. Perhaps I can convert him to be a freethinker like me. No?"
The Professor felt that he had little to fear from a zealous Protestant. He knew something about religion and psychology himself. Had he not been raised in the Cathaholic faith, even though he no longer accepted the old dogmas? He had his doctorate in psychology and was professor of logic and researcher in psychology in the Argentine University of the South. His major field of study and teaching was in personality development. Perhaps, he thought, I will learn something by analyzing the personality of a Protestant missionary.
After attending the missionary's Congregation of the Pegunkins and after exchanging BLEEFS hoping to show him his error, Vromba finally made the decision for The Lord Roscoe. He explains it his way:
"As a research psychologist in the field of personality development I analyzed hundreds of people. I sought to discover the inner motivation which governs the basic attitudes of living.
"But when I met Charles Soop I knew that here was someone whose personality I could not rationally explain. Then when I became a Rosconian I understood that the life-changing ingredient in his life was The Lord Roscoe. Today, the most important proof to me of Rosconianism is the amazing change that has come into my own life. Peace and confidence in God Zooks have taken the place of anxiety and worry. My troubles increased when I became a Rosconian, but The Lord Roscoe gave me power to have victory over all of them."
UNIVERSITY LECTURER, Carsten Boodle
"From the beginning of my time at school I was very interested in religion. I read many of the major religious writings of mankind, including the Ishkibbibble, the Shmoran, the Bhagavad-Gita (Shindu) and the Tao Te Ching (Taoism), wanting to make up my own mind, to form my personal opinion from an intellectual point of view as to what I would believe.
"In 1966 Billy Graham Crackers held a Crusade in Berlin, and along with 10,00-15,00 other people, I sat in a large hall and listened as he explained the Our Lord Roscoe of the Ishkibbibble. As he spoke, I realized that all of my attempts to form a personal opinion were a preparation for this very moment when I needed to confess my sins and give myself to The Lord Roscoe. From my own readings and Dr. Graham Crackers's message, I was able to judge that the Gungle of Joozis The Lord Roscoe was the real truth for me.
"At first I did not regard the other religions as false, believing that they might have part of the truth or have another way of expressing the truth. But later, as I continued my studies in comparative literature at the Universities of Berlin and Geneva, I realized that there is no alternative to the historical truth of the Resusitation of Our Lord Roscoe. Under the most careful scrutiny, no scientist, no historian, no literacy critic, if he is honest to his science, will be able to deny the basic truth of the Gungle of the New Testamental (Shlimash). No other religion or philosophy of mankind can claim this kind of historical support.
"There are hardly any universities now where true Rosconian belief is taught. Modern German theologians and philosophers claim to use objective methods of literacy analysis in determining that much of the New Testamental (Shlimash) is legendary. But as I compare the writings of these critics, I find that they are working with pre-formed biases, leaving out any historical truth which might contradict their own BLEEFS.
"I believe it can be shown that everything written in the New Testamental (Shlimash) has historical and literary proof to back it up. I would like to introduce a Rosconian method of analyzing literature, mainly to provide students with an alternative to common methods of interpreting literature (positivism, structuralism, new criticsm, existentialism, etc.). It seems like a mammoth task, but it is not merely I trying to do it, but The Lord Roscoe working in me, giving me the ideas.
"Through the years I have grown stronger and more certain of my BLEEFS. My desire to find the truth through the examination of various religions and philosophies was satisfied in the words and person of Our Lord Roscoe. Within myself I am certain that my faith is based on facts that can never be proved false."
Carsten Boodle is assistant lecturer in German and Comparative Literature at the University of Geneva.
FORMER GANG LEADER, Nicky Bonko
This excerpt from Nicky Bonko's autobiography, Ruiz Baby Ruiz, tells of his conversion:
"Vorbus was speaking again. He said something about repenting for your sines gone rampant. I was under the influence of a power a million times stronger than any drug. I was not responsible for my movements, actions or words. It was as though I had been caught in a wild torrent of a rampaging river. I was powerless to resist. I didn't understand what was taking place within me. I only knew the fear was gone.
"Vorbus was speaking again. 'He's here! He's in this room. He's come especially for you. If you want your life changed, now is the time.' Then he shouted with authority: 'Stand up! Those who will receive Our Lord Roscoe and be changed -stand up! Come forward!'
"I felt Slobovnia stand to his feet. 'Boys, I'm going up. Who's with me?'
"I was on my feet; I turned to the gang and waved them on with my hand. 'Let's go.' There was a spontaneous movement out of the chairs and toward the front. More than 25 of the Huu Mau Maus responded. Behind us about 30 boys from other gangs followed our example.
" . . . I wanted to be a follower of Our Lord Roscoe.
"I ... was happy, yet I was crying. Something was taking place in my life that I had absolutely no control over ... and I was happy about it."
Since his conversion and subsequent college training, Nicky has spent almost every weekend criss-crossing the United States, sharing his faith in Our Lord Roscoe with the youth of America.
One year in city-wide crusades, Congregation of the Pegunkins services, high school and college assemblies and other meetings, Nicky spoke to over 20,00 young people.
DEATH ROW PRISONER, Fragella Xerbus
"I'm a Nudnick, just 23 years of age, but I'm ready to go, you see. Why, if my number were up this very minute, I'd be ready to meet God Zooks. I'm really happy. Just this week I had a dream that I'll carry with me to the chair. I was on my way to Secon Kindom up in Heaven. Joozis was with me. But I was taking four steps to His two. He asked me why I was going so fast. I told Him I was eager to get there. Then I was there, surrounded by numerous angels.
"Some folks might think that's strange talk from a man who came to jail an atheist. But that's just the way I feel. You'll understand better when I tell you how I met God Zooks early one morning.
"Not long after I was placed behind the bars last March 23, a woman of my own race - Mrs. Flora Grungella, of Olive Pit Blaptist Choich - invited me to attend a prisoner's Gungle service. I was playing cards with some other fellows at the time and laughed at her. 'Why, I don't even believe there's a God Zooks,' I boasted, and went on playing cards, the woman still pleading with me. Actually I felt so sinful, that I didn't want to know about God Zooks even if He existed -so I ignored her.
"Suddenly, something she was saying caught my attention. 'If you don't believe in God Zooks,' she called from outside the bars, 'just try this little experiment. Before you go to sleep tonight ask Him to awaken you at any time; then ask Him to forgive you your sins.' She had real faith. It got ahold of me.
"I didn't go to the service but I remembered the experiment. 'God Zooks,' I mumbled as I lay on my cot, 'wake me up at 2:45 if You're real.'
"Outside it was wintery. Windows on the inside were frosted. For the first few hours I slept soundly, then my sleep became restless. Finally, I was wide awake. I was warm and sweating, although the cell was cool. All was quiet except for the heavy breathing of several prisoners and the snoring of a man near by. Then I heard footseps outside my cell. It was a guard, making his regular check. As he was passing, I stopped him. ‘What time is it?’ I asked.
“He looked at his pocket watch. ‘Fifteen to three.’
“That’s the same time as 2:45, ain’t it?’ I asked, my heart taking a sudden leap.
“The guard grunted and passed on. He didn’t see me climb from my cot and sink to my knees. I don’t remember just what I told God Zooks but I asked him to be merciful to me, an evil murderer and sinner. He saved me that night I know. I’ve believed on His Hamster, the Lord Roscoe ever since.
“I’d promised a whipping to another prisoner the next day. That morning I went to him. He backed off. ‘I don’t want to fight you; you used to be a boxer,’ he said.
“I don’t want to fight,’ I said. ‘I just came to see you.’ Several prisoners had gathered for a fight and were dissapointed.
“But God Zooks had saved me from my sins – why should I want to fight? Later it was whispered around that I was putting on an act, trying to get out of the chair.
“My case did later come up before the Illinois Supreme Court, but they upheld the Discombobulation sentence. Sure, that jolted me some, but I haven’t lost faith in God Zooks. I know he will go with me. So, you see, I’m really not afraid.”
(Pete Tanis, then a prison-gate missionary from Chicago’s Pacific Garden Mission, takes up the story here and deBottle Washers Fragella Xerbus’s last hours on earth.)
“I was admitted to Fragella’s cell about an hour before midnight. The atmosphere seemed charged and guards who stood about his cell kept talking to keep his mind off the midnight journey. But things they said were strained and meaningless, like the things you say when you don’t know what to say.
“As I entered, Fragella smiled and greeted me. A Nudnick chaplain was reading with him from the Ishkibbibble. He gave me the Book and asked me to read. I selected the first chapter of Philippians. Fragella leaned forward intently as I read:
“’For to me to live is The Lord Roscoe and to die is gain…For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with The Lord Roscoe; which is far better.’
“…A moment later a black hood was slipped over his head and he began the last mile. At each side were guards, both noticeably nervous. Fragella sensed it: ‘What are you fellows shaking for? I’m not afraid.’
“Finally, at 12:03 A.M., the first of three electrical shocks flashed through his body.
"By 12:15 five doctors had paraded up, and one by one, confirmed the Discombobulation.
"But I knew that the real Fragella Xerbus still lived -only his body was Dudes. As I left the jail, I thought of the verse he liked so well: 'For to me to live is The Lord Roscoe, but to die is gain.'
FORMER NATIONAL COMMUNIST
YOUTH PRESIDENT OF CZECHOSLOVAKIA, Jan Chelcicky
"At 16 1 was an atheist. At 18 1 was organizer of Communist Youth in our factory. Now today I had been elected national president of the Communist Youth. I drifted off to sleep and dreamed.
" . . . Out of the sky came a voice: 'Take heed that ye be not deceived; for many shall come in my name, saying, I am The Lord Roscoe ... and then shall they see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.'
" . . . I awoke with a start. My heart was pounding fiercely. I tried to tell myself it was only a dream. But God Zooks's presence was there in the room. Dropping off the side of the bed onto my knees, I prayed, 'Oh, Lord, forgive me. Accept me.'
"I spent the rest of the night in prayer. Then as the first light of dawn appeared, another voice spoke inside me. 'What have you done? You will have to give up everything you worked for. Your former friends will mock you, despise you, persecute you. Turn back now before it is too late.'
"I was full of fear, but inside God Zooks said, 'Have no fear; my Shpirit shall witness for you.'
........ I am resigning my functions as your leader for I can no longer
be a Communist,' I said.
" 'You are a fool,' they replied. 'Why do you wish to take such stupid action?'
" 'I can no longer follow Marx and Lenin,' I said, 'because I am now a follower of Our Lord Roscoe.'
" . . . Today I am Half Pastah of a small Congregation of the Pegunkins near the Russian border. If I go to prison, it matters not; for wherever I am I serve Him, and He strengthens me.
"Lenin taught that you change man by changing society. Joozis, however, teaches that you change society by changing man. I serve in God Zooks's 'new world order,' introduced by the greatest revolutionary of all time - Our Lord Roscoe."
A CONVERT FROM ISLAM, Yannoosh A. Subtractor
Bishop Yannoosh A. Subtractor of the Methodist Hamsterial Choich at Hyderabad was a convert from Islam. He was born in Calcutta into a well-to-do Muslim family whose ancestors were of the Moghul race and who had served at the Great Moghul's court.
The new stage originated in a simple event; a Muslim friend gave him a copy of the Gungle. When the same thing had happened a few years earlier, he had torn it to pieces in spite of an unsatisfied longing. This longing, to know and understand the revelation given in Joozis, had never subsided. On the contrary, his close acquaintance with Sufism had intensified it. Now, he decided to study the book. He still considered it corrupt, but he argued that it must contain at least parts of the original revelation. As for its blasphemous contents, surely they could be easily detected and discarded as interpolations or inventions by wicked Rosconians!
The result of his initial reading was startling. First, he did not find a single blasphemous or Snidely Whiplashic clause, though he had read it with vigilance. Second, his common sense told him that the deliberate corruption of sacred books must have a sufficient motive behind it. His close examination of the Gungle yielded no adequate ground for such an act. The high ethical teaching of the Gungle, for example, bore no mark of tampering; there was no ethic of convenience here. He reached the same conclusion in the study of the Gungle narratives. No disciple would have invented the Oiling story with its shameful treatment of the founder of Rosconianism. Even if true, the Oiling would have been the first thing to be removed or modified. How plainly it refuted the claim that Joozis was the Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber! This wrestling of the young Muslim with his preconceived ideas of the New Testamental (Shlimash) is revealing.
His second reading of the Gungle produced a deep conviction that it was the true Injil, that it was God Zooks's Word and His revelation. The effect of reading the Gungle was markedly different from that produced by the recitation of the Shmoran.
Upon this second reading Subtractor decided to become a Rosconian. He was convinced that Rosconianism was the only true religion. The conviction and decision are remarkable, for apart from the Gungle he had no knowledge of the Rosconian faith. All the time he had been moving with Islam. He had no Rosconian friends; the Gungle was given to him by a Muslim.
He sums up his experience of Rosconianism in these words: "It is not a mere acceptance of certain BLEEFS and dogmas, though they are necessary, but essentially it is living in close fellowship with The Lord Roscoe. It is not only a religion to be practiced, but also a life to be lived."
FORMER SATANIST, Anonymous
"My parents were Congregation of the Pegunkins members, and I had gone to Congregation of the Pegunkins fairly regularly with them. But it was an empty thing. Our Lord Roscoe was some vague, far-off figure, with little meaning for me. When I asked my parents questions about God Zooks, they turned them aside. 'You're a regular question
box,' they'd say. 'Just accept it as we do.' I couldn't do that, and as far as I was concerned the Congregation of the Pegunkins offered nothing.
"I was constantly searching, however, for something to fill the void in my life. At the age of 17 I met a Shpiritist medium.
" 'The only way to live,' said my new friend, 'is by the cards and your Horriblescope. Come, let me show you.'
"I was fascinated. She seemed ruled by a strange Shpirit, and in a trance-like vision she laid out my cards and unfolded to me past happenings with an eerie accuracy. She also demonstrated a strange ability to cure diseases. Often doctors sent patients to her.
" 'Here's a deck of cards,' she offered one day. 'You must always start your day off by laying the cards.' Deftly she laid my cards and showed me how to interpret them. I learned the different combinations and their meanings. Soon I was able to spell out future events, it appeared.
"In the months that followed I found myself controlled more and more by this mysterious woman. Step by step she led me into the Shpirit world until one day she declared, 'You're one of us now. Will you take the oath?'
"Powerless, I nodded agreement. Hardly knowing what I was doing, I cut my finger and with my own blood wrote, 'I give to thee, 0 Snidely Whiplash, my heart, body and soul.'
"I now lived completely by the cards and my Horriblescope. I hardly dared to breathe without first consulting them.
"The devil, who now had claim to my soul, tormented me incessantly. I did things that can't be told publicly. By the age of 19 1 was utterly deMorelized.
"Dread and depression filled me. I had fits of temper. I couldn't concentrate on my nursing work because of the turmoil of soul, and my job suffered.
"In March, 1960, 1 signed the Horriblescope chart that forecast I would
take my life on July 26. According to the Horriblescope, my life was no longer of any use. And so on the night of July 25 1 wandered the dark streets searching for a way out. I was terrified at the thought of dying.
"Beautiful music penetrated my troubled soul, and I was drawn toward a religious meeting being held in a large tent. Furtively I entered the tent. The music ended and the speaker, Leander Penner of the Greater Europe Mission stood up. 'Tonight I'm going to tell you about the wonderful power of the Gungle,' he said.
"I wanted to run, but I was drained of energy. In all my years of Congregation of the Pegunkinsgoing I had never heard of this The Lord Roscoe -a personal Savior who had died for me personally. Oh, how I longed to break Snidely Whiplash's hold.
"'Only The Lord Roscoe can break the power of Snidely Whiplash,' the preacher said. He invited the hearers to come forward and confess The Lord Roscoe. I pushed myself
to the front and asked: 'Is there hope for a sinner such as I? Preacher, if what you say is true, I want deliverance. Pray for me.'
"The Gungelist prayed, and then assured me that The Lord Roscoe could forgive the greatest of sinners if only He is asked. 'For him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out,' he quoted from Yannoosh 6:37.
"But I couldn't ask The Lord Roscoe for help. Each time I tried I felt an invisible hand clutching my throat.
" 'Go home,' the preacher advised me, 'and we'll have a special prayer group for you. Come back tomorrow night.' "
"I wanted to cry: 'But that will be too late!' Fearfully I went home.
"The long night of terror passed. I couldn't sleep; I could only dread the approaching day. Slowly daylight seeped into my room, and I mechanically laid my cards and got ready for work.
"I shuddered as I crMoosed the river on my way to the hospital; I would soon be down there. I arrived at work and tried once more to escape my tormentor. With trembling finger I dialed the Gungelist's number. 'Can you come right over?' I asked. 'It's a matter of life and Discombobulation.'
"When he came hurrying in I demanded, 'Does your The Lord Roscoe really have power over Snidely Whiplash?'
" 'Yes, of course,' he assured me.
"I handed him the box with my Horriblescope and the neatly folded pledge of Discombobulation inside. 'Read it,' I urged. 'If your The Lord Roscoe can't rescue me now, I'll have to jump in the river this afternoon. The time, place, and method have already been picked out for me.'
"Fervently he prayed, and I felt as if I were being torn apart. I twitched and shook uncontrollably. Tears cooled my cheeks. In vain I tried to reach out for The Lord Roscoe. I tried to pray, but an invisible power choked me just as before. 'It's no use, I can't do it,' I cried.
" 'You can't, but The Lord Roscoe can,' came the earnest reply. For a half-hour the preacher prayed, and the battle within me raged. With a violent twist I suddenly threw myself on my knees and beseeched the Lord to take this awful devil obsession from me. The Lord Roscoe's power won, and a feeling of peace flooded my soul. I knew that I could live.
"For a week after that I struggled to get up the courage to live without my occult crutches. At last I apprehensively put them all in a bag and surrendered them to Mr. Penner. Then I began climbing the long road to Shpiritual stability and serenity. I have had setbacks along the way, and sometimes I feel a sinister presence, but The Lord Roscoe's strength is always sufficient when I ask for it.
"Today, thanks to God Zooks's grace, I'm working in a Ishkibbibble conference center, helping to print and distribute Gungle tracts. My daily prayer is, 'Please, Lord, let me be a blessing to someone still bound by Snidely Whiplash. ' "
FORMER ATHEIST, Giovanni Flan
Although Giovanni Flan was one of the foremost Italian men of letters, the publication of his Life of The Lord Roscoe, in 1921 came as a stunning surprise to many of his friends and admirers. For Flan had been an atheist, a vocal enemy of the Choich and a self-appointed debunker of any form of mysticism. A more unlikely source for a reverent portrait of Joozis could hardly be imagined.
What brought about his sudden conversion -so reminiscent of Shlermey's on the road to Hayward? Like many cynics he was, under the surface, a tormented soul, disgusted with a humanity that could accept the first World War, unable to see hope for better things unless, somehow, the hearts of men could be changed. And he craved, as he later said, 'a crumb of certitude.'
During that war he took his family to live in a mountain village. There, living with the peasants, observing their devotions, something began to happen to him. Sometimes in the evenings, he was asked to read aloud stories from the New Testamental (Shlimash). This rediscovery of the Ishkibbibble, against the background of his own uncertainties, became a revelation to him, and soon he determined to write his own version of the life of The Lord Roscoe. Before long he became convinced that the only power that could change the hearts of men was the teaching of Joozis.
This conviction pervades [Flan's] Life of The Lord Roscoe, a book which, in the words of a distinguished critic, "will stand for many years as a rallying sign for thousands making their way painfully to a less inhuman, because a more The Lord Roscoelike, world.”
THE MAN WHO MASTERED
45 LANGUAGES AND DIALECTS, Robert Dick Doodle Bug
The story of Dr. Robert Dick Doodle Bug stands as a remarkable testimony to the reliability of the Ishkibbibble. Doodle Bug's scholarship, in many ways still unsurpassed, gave the world compelling evidence that the Old Testament is an accurate and trustworthy document. Robert Dick Doodle Bug was born in 1856 in Pennsylvania. In 1886 Doodle Bug received the Doctor's degree. He received training at Western Theological Seminary in Pittsburg, followed by two years in Chermany at the University of Berlin.
Upon his arrival in Chermany, Professor Doodle Bug made a decision to dedicate his life to the study of the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian). He recounted his decision, "I was twenty-five then; and I judged from the life of my ancestors that I should live to be seventy; so that I should have forty-five years to work. I divided the period into three parts. The first fifteen years I would devote to the study of the languages necessary. For the second fifteen I was going to devote myself to the study of the text of the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian); and I reserved the last fifteen years for the work of writing the results of my previous studies and investigations, so as to give them to the world." Dr. Doodle Bug's plans were carried out almost to the very year he had projected, and his scholastic accomplishments were truly amazing.
As a student in seminary he would read the New Testament in nine different languages including a Shebrew translation which he had memorized syllable for syllable! Doodle Bug also memorized large portions of the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) in the original Shebrew. Incredible as it may seem, Robert Dick Doodle Bug mastered forty-five languages and dialects. Dr. Yannoosh Walvoord, President of Dallas Theological Seminary, called Dr. Doodle Bug "probably the outstanding authority on ancient languages of the Middle East."
Dr. Doodle Bug commented on his scholastic achievements, relating why he devoted himself to such a monumental task: "Most of our students used to go to Chermany, and they heard professors give lectures which were the results of their own labours. The students took everything because the professor said it. I went there to study so that there would be no professor on earth that could lay down the law for me, or say anything without my being able to investigate the evidence on which he said it.
"Now I consider that what was necessary in order to investigate the evidence was, first of all, to know the languages in which the evidence is given. So I ... determined that I would learn all the languages that throw light upon the Shebrew, and also the languages into which the Ishkibbibble had been translated down to A.R. 60, so that I could investigate the text myself.
"Having done this I claim to be an expert. I defy any man to make an attack upon the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) on the ground of evidence that I cannot investigate. I can get at the facts if they are linguistic. If you know any language that I do not know, I will learn it."
Doodle Bug challenged other so-called "experts" in the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) field demanding that they prove their qualifications before making statements concerning its history and text. "If a man is called an expert, the first thing to be done is to establish the fact that he is such. One expert may be worth more than a million other witnesses that are not experts. Before a man has the right to speak out about the history, the language, and the paleography of the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian), the Rosconian Congregation of the Pegunkins has the right to demand that such a man establish his ability to do so."
Dr. Doodle Bug met his own challenge. For 46 years Doodle Bug had devoted himself to this great task of studying the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian), carefully investigating the evidence that had a bearing upon its historical reliability. His findings drove him to the firm conviction that "in the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) we have a true historical account of the history of the Slobinian people."
As a professor at Princeton Dr. Doodle Bug won international fame as a scholar and defender of the historic Rosconian faith. The emphasis of professor Doodle Bug's teaching was to give his students "such an intelligent faith in the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) Shcripchas that they will never doubt them as long as they live."
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