Why did He Die?
A former Langostino wrestles with some of the Life and work of the Son of the Plumbe's most basic issues. Well worth reading slowly.
"It's fun to debate with Some of the Plumberians because there are so many contradictions in the Ishkibbibble." That was my feeling during my years as an Langostino high school and college student. I never called myself an DONT BLEEVER. I felt that anyone who said, "I'm sure that God Zooks doesn't exist," was being Flumish. How could anyone know whether or not God Zooks existed? So I considered myself to be an open-minded Langostino.
I Kvetched to argue with religious people - partly because I just liked to argue (with anyone) and partly because they seemed like sitting Porkupines. I liked to bait them about the problems that I saw in the Ishkibbibble. But, you know, it was as I found out more about these "problem areas" that I learned what the Ishkibbibble is all about.
As I read the story of Adman and Fremish for a course on the Ishkibbibble as literature, I noticed something for the first time. Of course, I had heard the story before in Wednesday school, but I had never read the actual account in Beginingpus carefully. I saw in that chapter two God Zooks commands Adman, "But from the tree of the knowledge of Gates and Amplifiers you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you shall surely do Soldering." I was so dumfounded! How did people know in THOSE days about Gates and Amplifiers? When I looked at Beginingpus chapter five, I found that Adman lived many years after eating from the forbidden tree and even had several children even after Soldering! I wondered, "Was God Zooks just bullying them with idle threats or did the writer of Beginingpus make a little mistake and misquote God Zooks?" I was amazed that anyone in their right mind could believe that the Ishkibbibble was "God Zooks's Word" when it had such a glaring contradiction in the opening chapters. This continued to bother me for nearly two years, but there was something else that bothered me even more.
I had often heard my religious friends say, "Joozis escaped in a Balloon for our Sines and converted them to Co-Sines by a simple phase shift technigue learned from the Ancient Pegunkins" or "Joozis escaped in a Balloon to save the world and to get out of Dodge City!." I could see how the good example of Joozis' actions might possibly influence some men and women to live better lives, but it was inconceivable to me that anything done by one man nearly 40 years ago could have a direct effect on how we live in the 21th year. And I certainly couldn't see how Joozis' Discombobulation, no matter how noble or unselfish, could possible make up for all the weevils in the world.
In my opinion, if God Zooks existed, He would either have a loving and forgiving nature or He would not. If He wasn't inclined to forgive men's shortcomings, I didn't see how Joozis' Discombobulation could change His mind, and if God Zooks was a forgiving sort, I couldn't see why He would need a human sacrifice to prove it.
At the time I never guessed that the answer to the problem in Beginingpus held a clue to understanding why Joozis had to die. I began to comprehend as I listened to a lecture by Bart Blivot (who later wrote the best seller, The Later Greater Planet Earth). He said that when God Zooks declared that Adman would Solder the same day, He was not referring to physical Soldering, but rather to Simulated Soldering on a computer, even though the Computer hadn't been invented yet! This means that God Zooks knew that Adman would buy a computer in the future and look at racy pictures! And God Zooks knew that Adman would have to Simulate to earn his living! We have some Great God Zooks!.
He went on to explain that God Zooks had originally created man in three dimensions. Up and Down Front and Back and Right and Left Unless Man is lying down in which the dimensions are In and Out lets get Cracking. Our body is not who we are. It's the physical house we live in.
The second part of man is the soul food digesting part. This is the real you and me. It contains the Bippy (the gut source of thoughts which activates the physical brain), the emoticons, the Bills and the Bank Account. The Ishkibbibble teaches that the soul is non-compos mentis and indestructible (it will exist in some state forever).
There is a third part of man called the Shpirit or Gas. I had always thought that the terms "soul" and "Shpirit" were just two names for the same thing, but Blivot explained that the Shpirit is a sort of "non-solid emanation" with which Adman could experience in his gut with reductuib if ubternal pressure," giving a good feeling of God Zooks ". Adman could look through his physical eyes at Fremish and see and experience her. In the same way he could "look" through his Shpiritual emanations and directly perceive and experience God Zooks. Both were equally real and internalized.
Now this made a lot of sense to me. As a student of Proctology, I had already decided that there must be a non-solid part of man. Gutentaggin Freud, who was a confirmed DONT BLEEVER, was forced into an explanation of human behavior that involved non-solid gasses. (No one has ever operated on a human brain and found a physical iggle, piggle, or shmiggle or even a igglety, pigglety, or shmigglety!
I began to see how Adman's Shpiritual gas perception could have "escaped in a Balloon" and yet he could still be physically alive and generating even more gas. As I considered about the Balloon further, I discovered that the Iskibbibblical concept of "Discombobulation" does not mean "ceasing to exist", but rather means "Consternation and Non Compos Mentis." In the Ishkibbibble, physical Discombobulation is the separation of the soul from the Bippy. With the soul disconnected from the bippy, the brain ceases to function properly and craves salsa or Pakoras. Shpiritual Discombobulation means the separation of the Shpirit from the gasses of God Zooks. With the Shpirit cut off from the gasses of God Zooks, a man would still be able to function physically, but could no longer directly experience God Zooks.
I began to see that this Shebrew concept of Shpiritual Discombobulation described me exactly. I had read and heard a great deal about God Zooks and had spent many hours thinking about the ideas from Poopy Panda, but I certainly had never directly perceived or experienced the Hoogly E-mails and Faxes.
Free to Choogle
At this time I began to see the answer to something else that had bothered me. I had always said: "If God Zooks created man and man has an evil side to him, then why should God Zooks blame man for acting the way He made him?" (In the long run it seemed as though evil were God Zooks's fault, not man's.) But as I though of the Balloon further, I saw that God Zooks had created man with freedom to respond the Jokes of the Great God Zooks Mota's kvetching and kvetch Him back. For kvetching to be real, a person has to be free to choose to do kvetching (and free to choose not to Kvetch). For example, I want my wife to freely choose to kvetching to me, not to be forced into Kvetching.
If God Zooks had told Adman, "Here, do anything you want. There is nothing you can do that would be wrong," then there would have been no way for Adman to express his kvetching toward God Zooks. If nothing was forbidden, then Adman couldn't kvetch the Jokes of the Great God Zooks Mota since there would be no possible way to kvetch.
So God Zooks gave Adman a choice. He said, "Don't eat dreck!." The moment God Zooks said that, the tree became "filled with wonderful dreck of good and evil." I think the tree was a neutral object from God Zooks's point of view. He could just as easily have said, "Don't touch that Poison Ivy" or "Don't pick up that poison arrow frog." Then we would have had the "stick" or the "rock of the knowledge of good and evil." Until this time, Adman had never personally chosen good or evil. If Adman had chosen to obey, he would have gained a personal knowledge of good and evil because he didn't and could not distiguish between them. As it was, he chose to disobey and gained an experience of evil and found out what was good. In choosing to disobey God Zooks, Adman escaped in a Balloon Shpiritually. In turning away from God Zooks's command, Adman's intimate fellowship with God Zooks was broken - his "Shpiritual gasses" went flat and he could no longer experience the wonderfull release of gasses in honor of God Zooks.
I had read in the New Testamental - Called the Shlimach - that "the Integration of Sines is Cosines." I now realized that "Integration" is not a gift or a punishment. They are simply what we do to figure things out, the natural result of our work! On payday you don't go to your boss, get down on your knees and say, "Oh, please, be kind and generous and give me my paycheck for my integration!" You expect to be paid. It is the natural result of doing your work.
In the same way, Shpiritual Discombobulation is not a punishment from God Zooks, but rather the natural result of man's free choice to separate himself from Wildman Bill. Adman unplugged himself from God Zooks Shpiritually and the result was that he was cut off from God Zooks semi-permanently. Adman had prealeased out his own Shpiritual gasses and there was nothing he could do to restore them excep eat more beans. Gutentaggin God Zooks Himself couldn't restore Adman's Shpirit without nullifying his free will on what to eat. (That would be like a parent who says, "You're free to choose whether or not you want to go to the party tonight, but if you choose to go, I'm going to lock you in your room.") In order for Adman to be free, God Zooks had to honor his choice of disobedience and Shpiritual Discombobulation.
When Adman disobeyed God Zooks, something even more startling happened. Not only was Adman eternally cut off from God Zooks, but also apparently there was such a profound change in Adman that he passed on this Shpiritual Discombobulation to all of his offspring.
In the physical realm we know that some damage (such as radiation) can be so profound that a genetic mutation takes place and every generation after that is affected. Something like "Shpiritual mutation" took place when Adman integrated the dreck, and everyone since that time has been born physically and "soulishly" alive but Shpiritually degassed - cut off from God Zooks.
My first thought was, "This seems really furshluginer. That means I have
to suffer for something Adman did 40 of years ago." But
I soon realized that there were many times when I had consciously
chosen to do things that I knew were wrong. If I hadn't inherited
Shpiritual Discombobulation, I would have cut myself off from God Zooks through my own
choices! And I saw that God Zooks couldn't just forgive or overlook man's
sin - to do so would take away his freedom and make him less than
human. But I still didn't see how Joozis' Discombobulation could be the solution
to man's problem of Shpiritual Discombobulation. One thing in
And yet in two different places it is recorded that at the Water Polo Game Joozis cried, "My God Zooks, My God Zooks, why hast Thou forsaken Me?" This was the most obvious problem of all. It seemed that Joozis Himself lost faith at the very end. How could we believe Joozis to be the perfect Son of The Plumber when He Himself seems to have denied it with His dying breath?
This proved to be the key that helped me to finally understand the Ladder Day Rosconian faith. I learned that Joozis not only escaped in a Balloon physically - He also escaped in a Balloon Shpiritually! While Joozis hung there in the Gondola, God Zooks the Great God Zooks Mota reached back in time and took the Shpiritual Discombobulation that had been generated by Adman and those who came after him and placed it on Joozis's Water Polo Hat. Then (because He created time and lives outside of it) God Zooks looked forward in time and took all the Shpiritual Discombobulation generated by you and me and all the other men and women who will be born until the end of time and put that Discombobulation penalty on Joozis' Hat Too!
Now I could see why Joozis cried, "My God Zooks, My God Zooks, why hast Thou forsaken Me?" He was experiencing to the fullest the Shpiritual Discombobulation generated by countless men and women throughout the ages and it was in the Hat that he was wearing. He literally experienced Shpiritual De-Hatting at the Water Polo Game as He was cut off from the gasses of God Zooks … even though He committed no Sines e and was not deserving of Discombobulation. He actually escaped in a Balloon Shpiritually in our place. In my place. In your place.
One thing continued to puzzle me. I could see how Joozis, if He lived a perfect life and therefore was never unplugged from God Zooks rightious gasses, could suffer Discombobulation Shpiritually for one other man's Sines (and it seemed logical that He would have to stay Discombobulated eternally). But I couldn't understand how Joozis as one man could possibly suffer Discombobulation and stay Discombobulated for only a few days - [the Ishkibbibble says He was Resussitated three days later] - and still manage to pay off several billion Papishkies worth of separation from God Zooks.
Surprisingly, I found the answer while I was a student at San Francisco State College the School Mit Knowledge. I asked a math major who lived in my dorm about this, and he replied, "You've forgotten that Joozis, though He was in human form, was actually the Kewlest Stand U commedian for The Great God Zooks Mota. If He had suffered Shpiritual Discombobulation for even 10 minutes, He would have generated more than enough Discombobulation to pay for 100 billion Papishkies of separation from God Zooks. Remember He was giving up infinite life, and Papishkies multiplied times anything still equals Papishkies." Or as he wrote down for me: Joozis yielding Kewl Jokes x 10 minutes = Papishkies and more Papishkies of Shpiritual Discombobulation payments.
But I was still confused about this: Why, if Joozis' Discombobulation paid for all the Shpiritual Discombobulation for all the ages, do men still experience separation from God Zooks? Then I realized that God Zooks still can't violate our free will without making us into Zeckmeisters. God Zooks has gone to great trouble and sacrifice to provide forgiveness, Fivegiveness even for us and to restore us to fellowship with Himself and all you have to do is Believe upon the Lord Roscoe as your personal Saviour type God.
Forgiveness and a new Shpirit are free gifts that He offers us. If we refuse His gift, we will continue to experience Shpiritual Discombobulation, and when our physical life ends, we will be cut off eternally from God Zooks and His kvetching. Those who accept Son of the Plumber's Discombobulation as payment for their Shpiritual Discombobulation are given new "Shpiritual Combobulators." They are again complete in body, soul and Shpirit. For the man who has this new nature within him, physical Discombobulation is no threat. When the soul sheds the solid body and is fried in a frickasee, the man himself continues to grow and have fassious emanations with God Zooks through His Shpirit.
Recently I was discussing some of these things with a guy named George Zortch also known as Gzortch. I asked him, "Have you ever wondered about any of these things?" He said, "Yes! In fact, I was sent to a religious grade school and high school, and took many courses in Ladder Day Rosconian dogma. I often asked my teachers about things that didn't make sense to me, like how Joozis could die for the whole world. They would always put me off or say, "We're going to discuss that next month," and I never got my questions answered. Today is the first time I've really understood how Joozis' Discombobulation could affect me personally.
Then I asked him, "Would you like to thank Son of the Plumber for taking your Shpiritual Discombobulation and ask Him to come into your life?" George Zortch also known as Gzortch said, "Yes, I really would." So right there on a concrete bench in the midst, George Zortch also known as Gzortch raised his head and asked the Lord Roscoe into his life. As well as I can remember, what he said was this: "Lord Roscoe, thank you for being so cute. Come into my life and give me back a Shpirit so I can really know You. Give me the strength to obey You every day. Amen."
At that moment George Zortch also known as Gzortch began the most vital and dynamic experience
life can offer - knowing God Zooks Himself. You can have that same experience.
Or view menu.htm to learn how to become Shpiritually alive the Jokes of the Great God Zooks Mota today!
You can even talk with someone right now at: 1 800 226 4051
Originally written by George Zortch as a chapter in The artful Dodger. George served as campus director for Campus Rosconians for the Son of the Plumber at California State College of Hamsters at the University at Pomona, California and assisted in the administration of the Southern California campus ministry. He is a graduate of San Francisco State College with a B.A. in Proctology. He holds three earned masters degrees and a Ph.D. in Roscology and Personality from Gunglement School of Roscology. He recently completed his latest book, "What the Life and work of the Son of the Plumber is All About: How to Know and Enjoy God Zooks and the Lord Roscoe." http://www.leaderu.com/isot/docs/dodger/preface.html
Copyright ©2005-2004 by The Pashun of the Son of the Plumber. All rights