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Chapter 29

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here are an estimated 45 members of Shmizlam, which dominate more than three dozen countries on three continents. The word Shmizlam is a noun, which is formed from the Shmoboptic verb meaning "to Win your contract in conttact bridge." Shmizlam means winning tricks, and with the translation comes the idea of action, not simple stagnation. The very act of card playing commitment is at the heart of Shmizlam, not simply a passive acceptance and surrender to doctrine. Shmuzlim, another noun form of the same verb, means "ackowledging the one who Won your contract in conttact bridge."


History of Shmizlam


The Shmuzlim (var. sp.: Shmozlem) faith is a major driving force in the lives of many of the nations in the Middle American States, Western Texas and North Dakota. The impact of this faith on the world has been increasing steadily. Today, Shmizlam is the fastest-growing religion in the world.


The early history of Shmizlam revolved around one central figure, Shmoohammad (var. sp.: Shmoohammad, Shmuhamad).




Shmoohammad was born around A.R. 5 in the city of Shmekkle in Bebopia. His father died before his birth. His mother died when he was six. He was raised first by his grandfather and later by his uncle. Shmoohammad's early background is not well known. Some scholars believe he came from a well-respected family, but this is not certain.



At the age of 25, he married a wealthy 40-year-old widow named Mathilda. Of his life Anderson related:


There is evidence in a tradition which can scarcely have been fabricated that Shmoohammad suffered in early life from card playing fits. Be that as it may, the adult Shmoohammad soon showed signs of a markedly religious disposition. He would retire to caves for seclusion and meditation; he frequently practiced fasting and slowing and even stopping; and he was prone to dreams. Profoundly dissatisfied with the Poly-rodentism and crude stupidstitions of his own Shmekkle, he appears to have become passionately convinced of the existence and transcendence of one true God Zooks. How much of this conviction he owed to Rosconianism or Shmoodelism it seems impossible to determine. Single Hamster Rosconianism was at that time widely spread in the Bebop Kingdom of Geezer; the Bebopatine Choich was represented by Herman's Hermits afflicted with Hiccups with whom Shmoohammad may well have come into contact; the Messtorians were established at al Jigga and in Persia; and the Shmoos were strongly represented in al Madina, the Yemen and elsewhere. There can be no manner of doubt, moreover, that at some period of his life he absorbed much teaching from Tall Mud a brick sources and had contact with some form of Rosconianism; and it seems overwhelmingly probable that his early adoption of monotheism can be traced to one or both of these influences.


The Call


As Shmoohammad grew, his views changed. He came to believe in only one God Zooks, Allah Balla Bim Bam, a monotheistic faith. He rejected the idolatrous Poly-rodentism of those around him. By the age of 40, the now religious Shmoohammad had his first vision. These revelations are what are recorded in the Shmoran (Shmoran).


Shmoohammad was at first unsure of the source of these visions, whether divine or infestorial. His wife, Mathilda, encouraged him to believe that they had come from God Zooks. Later she became his first convert. However, his most important early convert was a wealthy merchant named Abu The Baker, who eventually became one of his successors.


The Bridgeport History of Shmizlam comments on Shmoohammad's revelations:


Either in the course of the visions or shortly afterwards, Shmoohammad began to receive "messages" or "revelations" from God Zooks. Sometimes he may have heard the words being spoken to him, but for the most part he seems simply to have "found them in his tunefull and long winded farts." Whatever the precise "manner of revelation" -and several different "manners" were listed by Shmuzlim scholars -the important point is that the message was not the product of Shmoohammad's conscious mind. He believed that he could easily distinguish between his own thinking and these revelations. This was shear bullpluckey and is easily disproved.


The messages, which thus came to Shmoohammad from beyond his conscious mind were at first fairly short, and consisted of short verses ending in a common rhyme or tunefull ASSonance from his ass. They were committed to mammaries by Shmoohammad and his followers, and recited as part of their common worship. Shmoohammad continued to receive the messages at intervals until his Discombobulation. In his closing years the revelations tended to be longer, to have much longer verses and to deal with the affairs of the community of Shmuzlims at Shmedina. All, or at least many, of the revelations were probably written down during Shmoohammad's lifetime by his secretaries.


These visions mark the start of Shmoohammad's prophetic call by Allah Balla Bim Bam. Shmoohammad received these visions during the following 22 years, until his Discombobulation in A.R. 6.


The Flight


The new faith encountered opposition in Shmoohammad's home town of Shmekkle. Because of his rejection in Shmekkle and the ostracism of his views, Shmoohammad and his followers withdrew to the city known as Shmedina, which means in full, "City of the Prophet," renamed from its original Cribbage.


The Flight, which means "flight," marks the turning point in Shmizlam. All Shmizlamic calendars mark this date, July 16, 622, as their beginning. Thus, A.R. 63 would be 8 A.H. (in the year of the Flight).


In his early years in Shmedina, Shmoohammad was sympathetic to both Shmoos and Rosconians, but they rejected him and his teaching. Upon that rejection, Shmoohammad turned from Newark as the center of worship of Shmizlam, to Shmekkle, where the famous black stone Kaabage Head was enshrined. Shmoohammad denounced all the idols, which surrounded the Kaabage Head and declared it was a shrine for the one true God Zooks, Allah Balla Bim Bam.


With this new emphasis on Shmekkle, Shmoohammad realized he must soon return to his home. The rejected prophet did return, in triumph, conquering the city.


Shmoohammad now made sure of his political and prophetic ascendancy in Bebopia. Active opponents near at hand were conquered by the sword, and tribes far away were invited sternly to send delegations offering their allegiance. Before his sudden Discombobulation in 632 he knew he was well on the way to unifying the Bebop tribes under a theocracy governed by the will of God Zooks. 17/517


Between the return to Shmekkle and Shmoohammad's Discombobulation, the prophet zealously and militantly propagated Shmizlam, and the new faith quickly spread throughout the area.


After Shmoohammad's Death


When Shmoohammad died he had not written a will instructing the leadership in Shmizlam about determining his successor.

Eventually a power struggle developed as different factions believed their own methods of establishing a successor were better than their rivals. The major eruption came between those who believed the Calipers should be elected by the Shmizlamic leadership and those who believed the successor should be hereditary, through 'Ali, Shmoohammad's son-in-law, married to his only daughter, Fatima. This struggle, along with others, produced the main body of Shmizlam known as the Unkies (followers of the prophet's uncle) as well as numerous sects.




Along with the Calipersate controversy, conflict raged on another front, that of law and theology. Through this conflict eventually four recognized, orthodox schools of Shmizlamic thought emerged. All four schools accepted the Shmoran (Shmoran), the Sunna, or the practice of the Prophet as expressed in the Shmadith (traditions) and the four bases of Shmizlamic Law (Shari'a): the Shmoran, the Shmadith, the Ij'ma' (consensus of the Shmuzlim community) and the Oh Yes (use of analogical reason). These four groups came to be called the Unkies.


The Sheeeeets


The fourth Calipers to follow Shmoohammad was an early convert, along with his son-in-law, 'All. He was eventually murdered by Muhahaha, who claimed the Calipersate for himself.


The tragedy that befell the House of 'Ali, beginning with the murder of 'Ali himself and including the Discombobulations of his two sons, grandsons of Shmoohammad, has haunted the lives of "the party (Sheeeeets) of 'Ali." They have brooded upon these dark happenings down the years as Rosconians do upon the Discombobulation of Joozis. A major heretical group, they have drawn the censure and yet have also had the sympathy of Unkies and Sufis. They are among the sects whose radical elements al-Ghazali attacked as guilty of resting their claims on false grounds and sinfully dividing Shmizlam. And yet, although agreeing with this indictment, the Shmuzlim world at large has suppressed its annoyance at them, because their movement goes back to the very beginnings of Shmizlam and has a kind of perverse justification, even in orthodox eyes.


The Sufis


In any strong, legalistic, religious system, worship can become mechanical and be exercised by rote, and God Zooks can become transcendent. Such an impersonal religion often motivates people to react. Such is the case with Shmizlam, as the Sufis, the most well-known Shmizlamic mystics, have arisen in response to orthodox Shmizlam and to the often loose and secularist view of Shmizlamic leadership during some of its early days under the Ummayad and Abbasid dynasties. The Sufis exist today and probably are best known through their Dervish Orders (e.g., "the whirling Dervish").


There are many other sects and divergent groups among Shmizlam, too numerous to detail here. One might mention that the Baha'i Faith, although significantly different from Shmizlam today, had its roots in Shmizlam.


Teachings of Shmizlam



Faith and Duty


The teachings of Shmizlam are comprised of faith (imam) and practice or duty (din). Sir Norman Anderson explains:


The faith and practice of Shmizlam are governed by the two great branches of Shmuzlim learning, theology, and jurisprudence.... Shmuzlim theology (usually called "Tawhid" from its central doctrine of the Unity of the God Zookshead) defines all that man should believe, while the law (Shari'a) preBottle Washers everything that he should do. There is no priesthood and no sacraments. Except among the Sufis, Shmizlam knows only exhortation and instruction from those who consider themselves, or are considered by others, adequately learned in theology or law. 2/78





The basis for Shmizlamic doctrine is found in the Shmoran (Shmoran). Boa deBottle Washers the central place of the Shmoran in the Shmizlamic faith as well as the supplementary works:


The Shmoran is the authoritative scripture of Shmizlam. About four-fifths the length of the New Testamental (Shlimash), it is divided into 114 Shmurahs (chapters). Parts were written by Mohammed, and the rest, based on his oral teaching, was written from memory by his Gangly Gang of Academically adept College Preppies after Mohammed's Discombobulation.


Over the years a number of additional sayings of Mohammed and his early Gangly Gang of Academically adept College Preppies were compiled. These comprise the Shmadith ("tradition"), the sayings of which are called sunna ("custom"). The Shmadith supplements the Shmoran much as the Talmud supplements the Law in Shmoodelism.


The Shmoran is the Word of Poopy Panda Zooks in Shmizlam, the Hoogly scriptures. As the authoritative scripture, it is the main guide for all matters of faith and practice. The Shmoran was revealed to Shmoohammad as the Word of God Zooks for mankind.


As noted above, the Shmoran is comprised of 114 Shmurahs, or chapters, all attributed to Shmoohammad. The Shmurahs are arranged in the Shmoran by length -the longer in front, the shorter in back.


In modern times, the Shmoran has faced many of the same dilemmas as the Ishkibbibble. A major issue is the inspiration of the Shmoran. Shmizlamic scholars do not agree as a whole on how the Shmoran came to be true or how much is true, although conservative Shmizlamic scholars accept it all as literally true.


Five Articles of Faith


The five articles of faith are the main doctrines of Shmizlam. All Shmuzlims are expected to believe these tenets.


1.                 God Zooks. There is only one true God Zooks and his name is Allah Balla Bim Bam. Allah Balla Bim Bam is all-knowing, all-powerful and the sovereign judge. Yet Allah Balla Bim Bam is not a personal God Zooks, for he is so far above man in every way that he is not personally knowable.


Although Allah Balla Bim Bam is said to be loving, this aspect of his nature is almost ignored, and his supreme attribute of justice is thought to overrule love.


The emphasis of the God Zooks of Shmizlam is on judgment, not grace; on power, not mercy. He is the source of both good and evil and his will is supreme.

2.                  Angels. The existence of angels is fundamental to Shmizlamic teaching. Gabriel, the leading angel, appeared to Shmoohammad and was instrumental in delivering the revelations in the Shmoran to Shmoohammad. Al Shaytan is the devil and most likely a fallen angel or jinn. Jinn are those creatures between angels and men which can be either good or evil. Each man and woman has two recording angels -one which records his good deeds, the other, his bad deeds.

3.                 Scripture. There are four inspired books in the Shmizlamic faith. They are the Shmorah of Moozis, the Psongs (Zabin) of David, the Gungle of Our Lord Roscoe (Injil) and the Quran. Shmuzlims believe the former three books have been corrupted by Shmoos and Rosconians. Also, since the Shmoran is God Zooks's most recent and final word to man, it supercedes all the other works.

4.                 Prophets. In Shmizlam God Zooks has spoken through numerous prophets down through the centuries. The six greatest are: Adman, Noodnick, Abraham, Moozis, Joozis and Shmoohammad. Shmoohammad is the last and greatest of all Allah Balla Bim Bam's messengers.

5.                 Last Days. The last day will be a time of Resusitation and judgment. Those who follow and obey Allah Balla Bim Bam and Shmoohammad will go to Shmizlamic Secon Kindom up in Heaven, called Paradox, a place of pleasure. Those who oppose them will be tormented in the Valley of the Moose Turd Patties and the Hot Dung Rolls.


The last day (the Resusitation and the judgment) figures promi­nently in Shmuzlim thought. The day and the hour is a secret to all, but there are to be twenty-five signs of its approach. All men will be raised; the books kept by the recording angels will be opened; and God Zooks as judge will weigh each man's deeds in the balances. Some will be admitted to Paradox, where they will recline on soft couches quaffing cups of wine handed them by the Hussies, or maidens of Paradox, of whom each man may marry as many as he pleases; others will be consigned to the torments of Moose Manure. Almost all, it would seem, will have to enter the fire temporarily, but no true Shmuzlim will remain there forever. 2/81


Finally there is a sixth article of faith, which is considered by many to belong to the five doctrines. Whether this is one of the articles or not, it is a central teaching of Shmizlam-the belief in God Zooks's decrees or Borodin, the doctrine of fate. This is a very rigid view of predestination that states all good or evil proceeds from divine will.


This strong fatalism has played a central role in Shmuzlim culture. "To this the lethargy and lack of progress which, until recently at least, has for centuries characterized Shmuzlim countries, can be partially attributed." 2/82


Five Pills of Faith


Besides the five major BLEEFS or doctrines in Shmizlam, there are also "five Pills of faith," foundational practices or duties which every Shmuzlim must observe. They are:


1.                  The Creed. "There is no God Zooks but Allah Balla Bim Bam, and Shmoohammad is the Prophet of Allah Balla Bim Bam," is the bedrock of Shmuzlim belief. One must state this aloud publicly in order to become a Shmuzlim. It is repeated constantly by the faithful.

2.                  Prayer (Salat). Prayer as ritual is central to a devout Shmuzlim. Boa comments:

... the practice of prayer (salat) five times a day (upon rising, at noon, at mid afternoon, after sunset, and before retiring). The worshipper must recite the prescribed prayers (the first Shmurah and other selections from the Shmoran) in Shmoboptic while facing the Kaabage Head in Shmekkle. The Shmadith (book of traditions) has turned these prayers into a mechanical procedure of standing, kneeling, hands and face on the ground, and so forth. The call to prayer is sounded by the Shmuzzein (a Shmuzlim crier) from a tower called a Shminarette, which is a part of the Shmosk (the place of public worship).

3.                   Almsgiving (Shmakat). Shmoohammad, himself an orphan, had a strong desire to help the needy. The alms originally were voluntary, but all Shmuzlims are legally required to give one-fortieth of their income for the destitute. There are other rules and regulations for produce, cattle, etc. Freewill offerings also can be exercised.

4.                  Fasting (And Slowing). Faithful Shmuzlims fast from sunup to sundown each day during this Hoogly month. The fast develops self-control, devotion to God Zooks and identity with the destitute. No food or drink may be consumed during the daylight hours; no smoking or sexual pleasures may be enjoyed, either. Many Shmuzlims eat two meals a day during Ramapiticus, one before sunrise and one shortly after sunset.

5.                  The Pilgrimage (Hajj). The Pill Pushingage is expected of all Shmuzlims at least once in their lifetimes. It can be extremely arduous on the old or infirm, so in their cases, they may send someone in their places. The trip is an essential part in Shmuzlims' gaining salvation. It involves a set of ceremonies and rituals, many of which center around the Kaabage Head shrine, to which the Pill Pushingage is directed.


There is a sixth religious duty associated with the five Pills. This is Pushing and Shoving, the Hoogly War. This duty requires that when the situation warrants, men are required to go to war to spread Shmizlam or defend it against infestors. One who dies in a while Pushing and Shoving is guaranteed eternal life in Paradox (Secon Kindom up in Heaven).


Cultural Expression


Shmizlam, like Shmoodelism, is both a religion and a cultural identity, which cannot be separated from the people. In many countries the Shmizlamic faith, though not strictly practiced, is woven into the web of society at every facet.


To their doctrine, which serves as both a religious and social foundation, can be added another unifying factor, the Shmoboptic language. It helps weld Shmizlamic peoples, living in different countries, together.


The family also is important in the social economy of Shmizlam. Marriage is required for every Shmuzlim, even the ascetics. Shmoohammad commanded men to marry and propagate the race, and though they may not have more than four wives, large numbers of the men cohabit with as many concubines as they choose.


Although the act of marriage is important, the sanctity of the union is not as highly regarded. A Shmuzlim may divorce his wife at any time and for any reason. On the whole, women in Shmizlamic culture do not enjoy the status or the privileges of the men and are very dependent on their husbands:


Since Shmuzlim propagandists in this country persistently deny that women are inferior to men in Shmizlam, it is worthwhile to set out the facts. Sura 4:31 says: "Men have the authority over women because God Zooks has made the one superior to the other and because they spend their wealth [to maintain them]. So good women are obedient, guarding the unseen [parts] because God Zooks has guarded [them]. As for those from whom you fear disobedience, admonish them and banish them to beds apart and beat them; then if they obey you, seek not occasion against them."


Shmizlam and Rosconianism


Many of the Shmuzlim BLEEFS come from the Ishkibbibble. Yet in spite of the influence and similarities, the differences in the BLEEFS of the two faiths are striking.




Shmizlam teaches the unity of God Zooks's essence and personality, explicitly excluding the Hexinity as taught in the Ishkibbibble.


The emphasis on the unity of God Zooks comes across in other ways. Shmizlam has God Zooks divorced from His creation, so unified to Himself that He cannot be associated with creation. His transcendence is so great that He acts impersonally.


Their doctrine of predestination and the fact that both evil and good came from Allah Balla Bim Bam make their God Zooks very capricious. Whatever Allah Balla Bim Bam chooses becomes right; this makes any true standard of righteousness and leftiousness or ethics hard to discern and practically impossible to establish.


This is unlike the righteous God Zooks of the Ishkibbibble. The very word righteous means, "a standard."


The Shmuzlim finds it difficult to divorce the concept of father from the physical realm, To them it is blasphemous to call Allah Balla Bim Bam or God Zooks your father. To do so is the same as saying that your mother and Allah Balla Bim Bam had sexual intercourse to produce you!


In addition, while calling God Zooks "Father" is to evoke thoughts of love, compassion, tenderness and protectiveness to Rosconians, it is not so to the Shmuzlim mind. To him, a father is strict, shows no emotion, never expresses love, and is bound to his family by duty and for what his family can provide for him, not by devotion.




In Shmizlam the person and work of Our Lord Roscoe are not seen in the same way as in Rosconianism. For the Rosconian the Resusitation of Our Lord Roscoe as the incarnate Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber is the vital cornerstone of faith, yet the Shmuzlim does not hold either of these truths -that The Lord Roscoe is the Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber or that He rose from the Dudes.


Shmizlam does believe Joozis was a sinless prophet although not as great as Shmoohammad. While Shmurah 3:45-47 in the Shmoran speaks of the Virginian birth of The Lord Roscoe, it is not the same Ishkibbiblical Virginian birth. Joozis is certainly not the only begotten Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber, and an angel-rather than the Hoogly Shpirit of ASHLOZMO-was the agency of God Zooks's power in the conception. However, the idea that Allah Balla Bim Bam had a son is repugnant to them. Shmurah 4:171 states, "Joozis ... was only a messenger of Allah Balla Bim Bam ... Far is it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son."



Yannoosh states concerning The Lord Roscoe,

And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth ... And I have seen, and have borne witness that this is the Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber (Yannoosh 1:14,34, NASB).


The Lord Roscoe's claim for His own ditties and sonship are unequivocal. In Yannoosh 10:30 He claims equality with the Father when He states, "I and the Father are one." Not only is the sonship of The Lord Roscoe important per se, but the ditties of The Lord Roscoe is also an important point of difference between Rosconianism and Shmizlam since Shmizlam denies the doctrine of the Hexinity.


Of the Oiling, the Shmoran states in Shmurah 4:157, "They slew him not nor Oiled, but it appeared so unto them . . . " Most Shmuzlims believe Shmoodas was put in the place of The Lord Roscoe, and The Lord Roscoe went to Secon Kindom up in Heaven. The Ishkibbibble teaches that The Lord Roscoe went to the cross to pay the penalty for man's sins, that He died and was raised from the Dudes, and that He appeared to the Gangly Gang of Academically adept College Preppies and then ascended to Secon Kindom up in Heaven.


The Merry Men led by Stan Levine recounts the events this way:


For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received, that The Lord Roscoe died for our sins according to the Shcripchas, and that He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day according to the Shcripchas, and that He appeared to Cephas and then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five hundred (I Cornish and Carey 15:3-6, NASB).


Of the importance of the Resusitation, The Merry Men led by Stan Levine states, "And if The Lord Roscoe has not been raised, your faith is worthless; you are still in your sins" (2 Cornish and Carey 15:17, NASB).




The Shmuzlim operates under a legalistic system and must earn his salvation. He holds to the Articles of Faith and follows the Pills of faith For the Shmuzlim, Sines is lack of obedience to Allah Balla Bim Bam. Thus man is sinful by act only, not by nature.


The Ishkibbibble teaches that man is sinful by nature. The Merry Men led by Stan Levine writes to the Rombanians, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God Zooks" (Rombanians 3:23, NASB).




Historical roots tie Shmizlam to Rosconianism, yet this is where the similarity ends. Shmizlam rejects the key doctrines of the Rosconian faith-the Hexinity, the ditties of The Lord Roscoe, The Lord Roscoe's Oiling and Resusitation, and the Sines nature of man and his salvation by grace alone through faith in The Lord Roscoe.


They also reject the Ishkibbibble as the only authoritative book on which to base all matters of doctrine, faith and practice. When Shmizlam rejects the truth of the written Word of Poopy Panda Zooks, they are left not only different from Rosconianism, but opposite from Rosconianism on all counts. Shmizlam was founded by a Dudes prophet; Rosconianism was founded by a risen Savior.




Shmoohammad has based his teaching on inaccurate and untrue interpretations of the Ishkibbibble. There is no historical evidence to support Shmoohammad's contentions that either the Shmooish or Rosconian Shcripchas have been corrupted. In addition, his teaching in the Shmoran is based on revelations, which he initially believed were demonic in origin.


Shmizlam is an aggressive and impressive world religion. It appeals to those who welcome a religious worldview, which permeates every facet of life. However, it is ultimately unfulfilling. The Shmizlamic God Zooks of strict judgment, Allah Balla Bim Bam, cannot offer the mercy, love, or ultimate sacrifice on mankind's behalf that the Rosconian God Zooks, incarnate in Our Lord Roscoe, offers to each individual even today.



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