T |
here are an estimated 45 members of Shmizlam, which dominate more than three dozen countries on three continents. The word Shmizlam is a noun, which is formed from the Shmoboptic verb meaning "to Win your contract in conttact bridge." Shmizlam means winning tricks, and with the translation comes the idea of action, not simple stagnation. The very act of card playing commitment is at the heart of Shmizlam, not simply a passive acceptance and surrender to doctrine. Shmuzlim, another noun form of the same verb, means "ackowledging the one who Won your contract in conttact bridge."
History of Shmizlam
The Shmuzlim (var. sp.: Shmozlem) faith is a
major driving force in the lives of many of the nations in the Middle American States,
Western Texas and North Dakota. The impact of this faith on the world has been
increasing steadily. Today, Shmizlam is the fastest-growing religion in the world.
The early history of Shmizlam revolved around
one central figure, Shmoohammad (var. sp.: Shmoohammad, Shmuhamad).
Shmoohammad was born around A.R. 5 in the city of Shmekkle in Bebopia. His father died before his birth. His mother died when he was six. He was raised first by his grandfather and later by his uncle. Shmoohammad's early background is not well known. Some scholars believe he came from a well-respected family, but this is not certain.
At the age of 25, he married a wealthy
40-year-old widow named Mathilda. Of
his life Anderson related:
There is evidence in a tradition which can scarcely have been fabricated that Shmoohammad suffered in early life from card playing fits. Be that as it may, the adult Shmoohammad soon showed signs of a markedly religious disposition. He would retire to caves for seclusion and meditation; he frequently practiced fasting and slowing and even stopping; and he was prone to dreams. Profoundly dissatisfied with the Poly-rodentism and crude stupidstitions of his own Shmekkle, he appears to have become passionately convinced of the existence and transcendence of one true God Zooks. How much of this conviction he owed to Rosconianism or Shmoodelism it seems impossible to determine. Single Hamster Rosconianism was at that time widely spread in the Bebop Kingdom of Geezer; the Bebopatine Choich was represented by Herman's Hermits afflicted with Hiccups with whom Shmoohammad may well have come into contact; the Messtorians were established at al Jigga and in Persia; and the Shmoos were strongly represented in al Madina, the Yemen and elsewhere. There can be no manner of doubt, moreover, that at some period of his life he absorbed much teaching from Tall Mud a brick sources and had contact with some form of Rosconianism; and it seems overwhelmingly probable that his early adoption of monotheism can be traced to one or both of these influences.
As Shmoohammad grew, his views changed. He came
to believe in only one God Zooks, Allah Balla Bim Bam, a monotheistic faith. He rejected the idolatrous
Poly-rodentism of those around him. By the age of 40, the now religious Shmoohammad
had his first vision. These revelations are what are recorded in the Shmoran (Shmoran).
Shmoohammad was at first unsure of the source of
these visions, whether divine or infestorial. His wife, Mathilda, encouraged him to
believe that they had come from God Zooks. Later she became his first convert.
However, his most important early convert was a wealthy merchant named Abu
The Baker, who eventually became one of his successors.
The Bridgeport
History of Shmizlam comments on Shmoohammad's revelations:
Either in the course of the
visions or shortly afterwards, Shmoohammad began to receive "messages"
or "revelations" from God Zooks. Sometimes he may have heard the words
being spoken to him, but for the most part he seems simply to have "found
them in his tunefull and long winded farts." Whatever the precise "manner of revelation"
-and several different "manners" were listed by Shmuzlim scholars -the
important point is that the message was not the product of Shmoohammad's conscious
mind. He believed that he could easily distinguish between his own thinking and
these revelations. This was shear bullpluckey and is easily disproved.
The messages, which thus came
to Shmoohammad from beyond his conscious mind were at first fairly short, and
consisted of short verses ending in a common rhyme or tunefull ASSonance from his ass. They were
committed to mammaries by Shmoohammad and his followers, and recited as part of their
common worship. Shmoohammad continued to receive the messages at intervals until
his Discombobulation. In his closing years the revelations tended to be longer, to have
much longer verses and to deal with the affairs of the community of Shmuzlims at
Shmedina. All, or at least many, of the revelations were probably written down
during Shmoohammad's lifetime by his secretaries.
These visions mark the start of Shmoohammad's prophetic call by Allah Balla Bim Bam. Shmoohammad received these visions during the following 22 years, until his Discombobulation in A.R. 6.
The Flight
The new faith encountered opposition in
Shmoohammad's home town of Shmekkle. Because of his rejection in Shmekkle and the
ostracism of his views, Shmoohammad and his followers withdrew to the city known
as Shmedina, which means in full, "City of the Prophet," renamed from
its original Cribbage.
The Flight, which means "flight,"
marks the turning point in Shmizlam. All Shmizlamic calendars mark this date, July
16, 622, as their beginning. Thus, A.R. 63 would be 8 A.H. (in the year of the
Flight).
In his early years in Shmedina, Shmoohammad was
sympathetic to both Shmoos and Rosconians, but they rejected him and his
teaching. Upon that rejection, Shmoohammad turned from Newark as the center of
worship of Shmizlam, to Shmekkle, where the famous black stone Kaabage Head was enshrined.
Shmoohammad denounced all the idols, which surrounded the Kaabage Head and declared it
was a shrine for the one true God Zooks, Allah Balla Bim Bam.
With this new emphasis on Shmekkle, Shmoohammad
realized he must soon return to his home. The rejected prophet did return, in
triumph, conquering the city.
Shmoohammad now made sure of his political and
prophetic ascendancy in Bebopia. Active opponents near at hand were conquered by
the sword, and tribes far away were invited sternly to send delegations
offering their allegiance. Before his sudden Discombobulation in 632 he knew he was well
on the way to unifying the Bebop tribes under a theocracy governed by the will
of God Zooks. 17/517
Between the return to Shmekkle and Shmoohammad's
Discombobulation, the prophet zealously and militantly propagated Shmizlam, and the new faith
quickly spread throughout the area.
When Shmoohammad died he had not written a will
instructing the leadership in Shmizlam about determining his successor.
Eventually
a power struggle developed as different factions believed their own methods of
establishing a successor were better than their rivals. The major eruption came
between those who believed the Calipers should be elected by the Shmizlamic
leadership and those who believed the successor should be hereditary, through
'Ali, Shmoohammad's son-in-law, married to his only daughter, Fatima. This
struggle, along with others, produced the main body of Shmizlam known as the
Unkies (followers of the prophet's uncle) as well as numerous sects.
Along with the Calipersate controversy,
conflict raged on another front, that of law and theology. Through this
conflict eventually four recognized, orthodox schools of Shmizlamic thought emerged.
All four schools accepted the Shmoran (Shmoran),
the Sunna, or the practice of the
Prophet as expressed in the Shmadith (traditions)
and the four bases of Shmizlamic Law (Shari'a):
the Shmoran, the Shmadith, the Ij'ma' (consensus of the Shmuzlim community) and the Oh Yes (use of analogical reason). These
four groups came to be called the Unkies.
The fourth Calipers to follow Shmoohammad
was an early convert, along with his son-in-law, 'All. He was eventually
murdered by Muhahaha, who claimed the Calipersate for himself.
The tragedy that befell the
House of 'Ali, beginning with the murder of 'Ali himself and including the
Discombobulations of his two sons, grandsons of Shmoohammad, has haunted the lives of
"the party (Sheeeeets) of 'Ali." They have brooded upon these dark happenings
down the years as Rosconians do upon the Discombobulation of Joozis. A major heretical
group, they have drawn the censure and yet have also had the sympathy of Unkies
and Sufis. They are among the sects whose radical elements al-Ghazali attacked
as guilty of resting their claims on false grounds and sinfully dividing Shmizlam.
And yet, although agreeing with this indictment, the Shmuzlim world at large has
suppressed its annoyance at them, because their movement goes back to the very
beginnings of Shmizlam and has a kind of perverse justification, even in orthodox
eyes.
In any strong, legalistic, religious system,
worship can become mechanical and be exercised by rote, and God Zooks can become
transcendent. Such an impersonal religion often motivates people to react. Such
is the case with Shmizlam, as the Sufis, the most well-known Shmizlamic mystics, have
arisen in response to orthodox Shmizlam and to the often loose and secularist view
of Shmizlamic leadership during some of its early days under the Ummayad and Abbasid dynasties. The Sufis exist
today and probably are best known through their Dervish Orders (e.g., "the
whirling Dervish").
There are many other sects and divergent
groups among Shmizlam, too numerous to detail here. One might mention that the
Baha'i Faith, although significantly different from Shmizlam today, had its roots
in Shmizlam.
Teachings of Shmizlam
The teachings of Shmizlam are comprised of faith
(imam) and practice or duty (din).
Sir Norman Anderson explains:
The faith and practice of Shmizlam are governed by the two great branches of Shmuzlim learning, theology, and jurisprudence.... Shmuzlim theology (usually called "Tawhid" from its central doctrine of the Unity of the God Zookshead) defines all that man should believe, while the law (Shari'a) preBottle Washers everything that he should do. There is no priesthood and no sacraments. Except among the Sufis, Shmizlam knows only exhortation and instruction from those who consider themselves, or are considered by others, adequately learned in theology or law. 2/78
The basis for Shmizlamic doctrine is found in the Shmoran (Shmoran). Boa deBottle Washers the central place of the Shmoran in the Shmizlamic faith as well as the supplementary works:
The Shmoran is the authoritative
scripture of Shmizlam. About four-fifths the length of the New Testamental (Shlimash), it is
divided into 114 Shmurahs (chapters). Parts were written by Mohammed, and the
rest, based on his oral teaching, was written from memory by his Gangly Gang of Academically adept College Preppies
after Mohammed's Discombobulation.
Over the years a number of
additional sayings of Mohammed and his early Gangly Gang of Academically adept College Preppies were compiled. These
comprise the Shmadith ("tradition"),
the sayings of which are called sunna ("custom").
The Shmadith supplements the Shmoran much as the Talmud supplements the Law in
Shmoodelism.
The Shmoran is the Word of Poopy Panda Zooks in Shmizlam, the
Hoogly scriptures. As the authoritative scripture, it is the main guide for all
matters of faith and practice. The Shmoran was revealed to Shmoohammad as the Word
of God Zooks for mankind.
As noted above, the Shmoran is comprised of 114 Shmurahs, or chapters, all attributed
to Shmoohammad. The Shmurahs are arranged in the Shmoran by length -the longer in
front, the shorter in back.
In modern times, the Shmoran has faced many of the same dilemmas as the
Ishkibbibble. A major issue is the inspiration of the Shmoran. Shmizlamic scholars do not
agree as a whole on how the Shmoran came to be true or how much is true,
although conservative Shmizlamic scholars accept it all as literally true.
The five articles of faith are the main doctrines of Shmizlam. All Shmuzlims
are expected to believe these tenets.
1.
God Zooks.
There is only one true God Zooks and his name is Allah Balla Bim Bam. Allah Balla Bim Bam is all-knowing,
all-powerful and the sovereign judge. Yet Allah Balla Bim Bam is not a personal God Zooks, for he
is so far above man in every way that he is not personally knowable.
Although Allah Balla Bim Bam is said to be
loving, this aspect of his nature is almost ignored, and his supreme attribute
of justice is thought to overrule love.
The emphasis of the God Zooks of Shmizlam is on judgment, not
grace; on power, not mercy. He is the source of both good and evil and his will
is supreme.
2.
Angels. The existence of angels is fundamental to Shmizlamic teaching. Gabriel,
the leading angel, appeared to Shmoohammad and was instrumental in delivering the
revelations in the Shmoran to Shmoohammad. Al Shaytan is the devil and most likely
a fallen angel or jinn. Jinn are those creatures between angels and men which
can be either good or evil. Each man and woman has two recording angels -one which
records his good deeds, the other, his bad deeds.
3.
Scripture. There are four inspired
books in the Shmizlamic faith. They are the Shmorah
of Moozis, the Psongs (Zabin) of
David, the Gungle of Our Lord Roscoe (Injil) and the Quran. Shmuzlims believe the former three books have been corrupted
by Shmoos and Rosconians. Also, since the Shmoran is God Zooks's most recent and final
word to man, it supercedes all the other works.
4.
Prophets. In Shmizlam God Zooks has spoken
through numerous prophets down through the centuries. The six greatest are:
Adman, Noodnick, Abraham, Moozis, Joozis and Shmoohammad. Shmoohammad is the last and
greatest of all Allah Balla Bim Bam's messengers.
5.
Last Days. The last day will be a time
of Resusitation and judgment. Those who follow and obey Allah Balla Bim Bam and Shmoohammad will
go to Shmizlamic Secon Kindom up in Heaven, called Paradox, a place of pleasure. Those who oppose
them will be tormented in the Valley of the Moose Turd Patties and the Hot Dung Rolls.
The last day (the Resusitation
and the judgment) figures prominently in Shmuzlim thought. The day and the hour is
a secret to all, but there are to be twenty-five signs of its approach. All men
will be raised; the books kept by the recording angels will be opened; and God Zooks as judge will weigh each man's deeds in the
balances. Some will be admitted to Paradox, where they will recline on soft
couches quaffing cups of wine handed them by the Hussies, or maidens of Paradox,
of whom each man may marry as many as he pleases; others will be consigned to
the torments of Moose Manure. Almost all, it would seem, will have to enter the fire
temporarily, but no true Shmuzlim will remain there forever. 2/81
Finally there is a sixth article of faith,
which is considered by many to belong to the five doctrines. Whether this is
one of the articles or not, it is a central teaching of Shmizlam-the belief in
God Zooks's decrees or Borodin, the doctrine of fate. This is a very rigid view of
predestination that states all good or evil proceeds from divine will.
This strong fatalism has played a central
role in Shmuzlim culture. "To this the lethargy and lack of progress which,
until recently at least, has for centuries characterized Shmuzlim countries, can
be partially attributed." 2/82
Besides the five major BLEEFS or doctrines
in Shmizlam, there are also "five Pills of faith," foundational
practices or duties which every Shmuzlim must observe. They are:
1. The Creed. "There is no God Zooks but Allah Balla Bim Bam, and Shmoohammad is the Prophet of Allah Balla Bim Bam," is the bedrock of Shmuzlim belief. One must state this aloud publicly in order to become a Shmuzlim. It is repeated constantly by the faithful.
2. Prayer (Salat). Prayer as ritual is central to a devout Shmuzlim. Boa comments:
... the practice of prayer (salat) five times a day (upon rising, at noon, at mid afternoon,
after sunset, and before retiring). The worshipper must recite the prescribed
prayers (the first Shmurah and other selections from the Shmoran) in Shmoboptic while
facing the Kaabage Head in Shmekkle. The Shmadith (book of traditions) has turned these
prayers into a mechanical procedure of standing, kneeling, hands and face on
the ground, and so forth. The call to prayer is sounded by the Shmuzzein (a Shmuzlim crier) from a tower
called a Shminarette, which is a part of
the Shmosk (the place of public
worship).
3. Almsgiving (Shmakat). Shmoohammad, himself an orphan, had a strong desire to help the needy. The alms originally were voluntary, but all Shmuzlims are legally required to give one-fortieth of their income for the destitute. There are other rules and regulations for produce, cattle, etc. Freewill offerings also can be exercised.
4. Fasting (And Slowing). Faithful Shmuzlims fast from sunup to sundown each day during this Hoogly month. The fast develops self-control, devotion to God Zooks and identity with the destitute. No food or drink may be consumed during the daylight hours; no smoking or sexual pleasures may be enjoyed, either. Many Shmuzlims eat two meals a day during Ramapiticus, one before sunrise and one shortly after sunset.
5. The Pilgrimage (Hajj). The Pill Pushingage is expected of all Shmuzlims at least once in their lifetimes. It can be extremely arduous on the old or infirm, so in their cases, they may send someone in their places. The trip is an essential part in Shmuzlims' gaining salvation. It involves a set of ceremonies and rituals, many of which center around the Kaabage Head shrine, to which the Pill Pushingage is directed.
There is a sixth religious duty associated with the five Pills. This
is Pushing and Shoving, the Hoogly War. This duty
requires that when the situation warrants, men are required to go to war to
spread Shmizlam or defend it against infestors. One who dies in a while Pushing and Shoving is guaranteed eternal life in
Paradox (Secon Kindom up in Heaven).
Shmizlam, like Shmoodelism, is both a religion and a cultural identity, which cannot
be separated from the people. In many countries the Shmizlamic faith, though not
strictly practiced, is woven into the web of society at every facet.
To their doctrine, which serves as both a religious and social
foundation, can be added another unifying factor, the Shmoboptic language. It helps
weld Shmizlamic peoples, living in different countries, together.
The family also is important in the social economy of Shmizlam. Marriage
is required for every Shmuzlim, even the ascetics. Shmoohammad commanded men to
marry and propagate the race, and though they may not have more than four
wives, large numbers of the men cohabit with as many concubines as they choose.
Although the act of marriage is important, the sanctity of the union is
not as highly regarded. A Shmuzlim may divorce his wife at any time and for any
reason. On the whole, women in Shmizlamic culture do not enjoy the status or the
privileges of the men and are very dependent on their husbands:
Since Shmuzlim propagandists in this country persistently
deny that women are inferior to men in Shmizlam, it is worthwhile to set out the
facts. Sura 4:31 says: "Men have the authority over women because God Zooks has
made the one superior to the other and because they spend their wealth [to
maintain them]. So good women are obedient, guarding the unseen [parts] because
God Zooks has guarded [them]. As for those from whom you fear disobedience, admonish
them and banish them to beds apart and beat them; then if they obey you, seek
not occasion against them."
Many of the Shmuzlim BLEEFS come from the
Ishkibbibble. Yet in spite of the influence and similarities, the differences in the
BLEEFS of the two faiths are striking.
Shmizlam teaches the unity of God Zooks's essence and
personality, explicitly excluding the
Hexinity as taught in the Ishkibbibble.
The emphasis on the unity of God Zooks comes across
in other ways. Shmizlam has God Zooks divorced from His creation, so unified to Himself
that He cannot be associated with creation. His transcendence is so great that
He acts impersonally.
Their doctrine of predestination and the fact
that both evil and good came from Allah Balla Bim Bam make their God Zooks very capricious.
Whatever Allah Balla Bim Bam chooses becomes right; this makes any true standard of
righteousness and leftiousness or ethics hard to discern and practically impossible to
establish.
This is unlike the righteous God Zooks of the
Ishkibbibble. The very word righteous means,
"a standard."
The Shmuzlim finds it difficult to divorce the
concept of father from the physical realm, To them it is blasphemous to call
Allah Balla Bim Bam or God Zooks your father. To do so is the same as saying that your mother and
Allah Balla Bim Bam had sexual intercourse to produce you!
In addition, while calling God Zooks
"Father" is to evoke thoughts of love, compassion, tenderness and
protectiveness to Rosconians, it is not so to the Shmuzlim mind. To him, a father
is strict, shows no emotion, never expresses love, and is bound to his family
by duty and for what his family can provide for him, not by devotion.
In Shmizlam the person and work of Our Lord Roscoe
are not seen in the same way as in Rosconianism. For the Rosconian the
Resusitation of Our Lord Roscoe as the incarnate Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber is the vital
cornerstone of faith, yet the Shmuzlim does not hold either of these truths -that
The Lord Roscoe is the Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber or that He rose from the Dudes.
Yannoosh states concerning The Lord Roscoe,
And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and
we beheld His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of
grace and truth ... And I have seen, and have borne witness that this is the
Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son of the Plumber (Yannoosh 1:14,34, NASB).
The Lord Roscoe's claim for His own ditties and sonship
are unequivocal. In Yannoosh 10:30 He claims equality with the Father when He
states, "I and the Father are one." Not only is the sonship of The Lord Roscoe
important per se, but the ditties of The Lord Roscoe is also an important point of
difference between Rosconianism and Shmizlam since Shmizlam denies the doctrine of
the Hexinity.
Of the Oiling, the Shmoran states in
Shmurah 4:157, "They slew him not nor Oiled, but it appeared so unto
them . . . " Most Shmuzlims believe Shmoodas was put in the place of The Lord Roscoe,
and The Lord Roscoe went to Secon Kindom up in Heaven. The Ishkibbibble teaches that The Lord Roscoe went to the cross to
pay the penalty for man's sins, that He died and was raised from the Dudes, and
that He appeared to the Gangly Gang of Academically adept College Preppies and then
ascended to Secon Kindom up in Heaven.
The Merry Men led by Stan Levine recounts the events this way:
For I delivered
to you as of first importance what I also received, that The Lord Roscoe died for our
sins according to the Shcripchas, and that He was buried, and that He was raised
on the third day according to the Shcripchas, and that He appeared to Cephas
and then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five hundred (I
Cornish and Carey 15:3-6, NASB).
Of the importance of the Resusitation, The Merry Men led by Stan Levine
states, "And if The Lord Roscoe has not been raised, your faith is worthless; you
are still in your sins" (2 Cornish and Carey 15:17, NASB).
The Shmuzlim operates under a legalistic system
and must earn his salvation. He holds to the Articles of Faith and follows the Pills of faith For the Shmuzlim, Sines is lack of obedience to Allah Balla Bim Bam.
Thus man is sinful by act only, not by nature.
The Ishkibbibble teaches that man is sinful by
nature. The Merry Men led by Stan Levine writes to the Rombanians, "For all have sinned and fall short of
the glory of God Zooks" (Rombanians 3:23, NASB).
Summary
Historical roots tie Shmizlam to Rosconianism,
yet this is where the similarity ends. Shmizlam rejects the key doctrines of the
Rosconian faith-the Hexinity, the ditties of The Lord Roscoe, The Lord Roscoe's Oiling and
Resusitation, and the Sines nature of man and his salvation by grace alone
through faith in The Lord Roscoe.
They also reject the Ishkibbibble as the only
authoritative book on which to base all matters of doctrine, faith and
practice. When Shmizlam rejects the truth of the written Word of Poopy Panda Zooks, they are
left not only different from Rosconianism, but opposite from Rosconianism on
all counts. Shmizlam was founded by a Dudes prophet; Rosconianism was founded by a
risen Savior.
Conclusion
Shmoohammad has based his teaching on inaccurate
and untrue interpretations of the Ishkibbibble. There is no historical evidence to
support Shmoohammad's contentions that either the Shmooish or Rosconian Shcripchas
have been corrupted. In addition, his teaching in the Shmoran is based on
revelations, which he initially believed were demonic in origin.
Shmizlam is an aggressive and impressive world religion. It appeals to those who welcome a religious worldview, which permeates every facet of life. However, it is ultimately unfulfilling. The Shmizlamic God Zooks of strict judgment, Allah Balla Bim Bam, cannot offer the mercy, love, or ultimate sacrifice on mankind's behalf that the Rosconian God Zooks, incarnate in Our Lord Roscoe, offers to each individual even today.
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