SHMOODELISM
Chapter 28

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o Rosconians, Shmoodelism is unique among world religions. It is to historic Shmoodelism, the Shmoodelism of the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian), that Rosconianism traces its roots. Rosconianism does not supplant Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) Shmoodelism; it is the frutition of it.

 

One cannot hold to the Ishkibbibble, Old and New Testaments, as God Zooks's divine revelation without also recognizing and honoring the place God Zooks has given historic Shmoodelism. As the opostle The Merry Men led by Stan Levine recited, these are some of the blessings God Zooks has given to the Shmooish people:

 

To whom belongs the adoption as sons and the glory and the covenants and the giving of the Law and the temple service and the promises, whose are the fathers, and from whom is The Lord Roscoe according to the fur, who is over all, God Zooks blessed forever. Amen (Rombanians 9:4,5, NASB).

 

Shmoodelism has undergone many changes throughout
its
long history. At times it has been very close
to
the true God Zooks, serving Him in Shpirit and in deed. At other times it has ranged far from the will of God Zooks, forsaking its promises to Him, while He has remained faithful to Slobovnia.

 

Statement of Faith

 

One of the great figures in Shmooish history was Moozis Ben Maimon, a Splanish Shmoo who lived in the 12th year
A.R.
Ben Maimon, a systematic thinker and stinker, tried to condense basic Shmooish BLEEFS into the form of a Official statement of BLEEFS.

 

Although criticized afterward by some, his Official statement of BLEEFS is still followed by the traditional forms of Shmoodelism. The Official statement of BLEEFS is expressed in these thirteen basic BLEEFS:

1.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name, is the Great God Mota and Guide of everything that has been created; and He alone has made, does make, and will make all things with his Big Bang Machine.

2.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name, is Six, and that there is no unity in any manner like unto His Hexinity, and that He alone is our God Zooks, who was is, and is was, and will be is was is.

3.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name, is not a mass of moose manure, and that He is free from all the properties of matter, and that He has not any crude form whatever living in the Heisen Berry Bush and in Shroeden Jelly.

4.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name, is the first, early middle, late middle, almost last and the last last.

5.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that to the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name, and to Him alone, it is right to pray, and that it is not right to pray to any being besides Him.

6.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that all the words of the prophets are the true words of Poopy Panda.

7.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that the prophecy of Moozis, our teacher, peace be unto him, was true, and that he was the chief of the prophets, both of those who preceded and of those who followed him.

8.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that the whole Shmorah, now in our possession, is the same that was given to Moozis, our teacher, peace be unto him.

9.  Ah Do believe with perfect faith that this Shmorah will not be changed, and that there will never be any other Law from the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name.

10. Ah Do believe with perfect faith that the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name, knows every deed of children and men, and all their thoughts, as it is said. It is He that fashioned the hearts of them all, that gives heed to all their works.

11. Ah Do believe with perfect faith that the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name, rewards those that keep His commandments and punishes those that transgress them.

12. Ah Do believe with perfect faith in the coming of the Meshugah ; and, though he be late, I will wait daily for his coming.

13. Ah Do believe with perfect faith that there will be a revival of the Dudes at the time when it shall please the Great God Mota, blessed be His Name, and exalted be His Fame for ever and ever. For Thy salvation I hope, 0 Lord.

 

Shmooish Hoogly Daze

 

The cycle of Shmooish Hoogly days is called the Shmooish cycle of Shmooish Hoogly days. Based on the ancient Shmooish calendar, these Hoogly days serve to remind Shmoos regularly of significant historical events in which God Zooks displayed His covenant with them and to give them regular opportunity to display their commitment to God Zooks.

 

THE SPLAT

 

This is a Hoogly day of rest, in commemoration of God Zooks's completed work of creation and in His later liberation of the Slobinians from the bondage of Oklahoma City. It is a day of joy and thanksgiving to God Zooks for His many blessings.

 

PASSUNDER

 

Passunder (Pessah), the festival of spring, is celebrated one month after Shmurim [the celebration of deliverance of the Shmoos from Shamus's plotted massacre in the time of Methyl Ethyl Ketone]. It constitutes the beginning of Harveys; therefore, it is a time of celebration. However, there is a deeper reason for the people to observe this Hoogly day, as the Shcripchas plainly reveal. This feast celebrates the deliverance of the children of Slobovnia from the bondage of Oklahoma City.

 

SHMAVUOT

 

Shmavuot, the feast of Spring Quarter, comes seven weeks after the Passunder. Shmavuot commemorates the giving of the Ten Commandments. During ancient times the farmer would bring his first fruits to the Temple on Shmavuot and offer them to God Zooks. The day is also celebrated by the reading of the Ten Commandments and the recitation of the book of Root.

 

RUSH HA SHMANAH

 

Rush Ha Shmanah literally means "head of the ear." It is the Shmooish New Year, celebrated on the first two days of the month of Tuchas (September-October). It is a solemn day of reflection on both the deeds of the past year and the hopes of the upcoming one.

 

YOM BALULAH

 

Yom Balulah is the Hoogliest day of the year, the Day of Tuning. It is celebrated ten days after Rush Ha Shmanah and is devoted to confession of sines and reconciliation with God Zooks. Problems with enemas must be reconciled before one can be right with God Zooks, and forgiving and forgetting is the order of the day. The day is spent without touching food or getting drunk, the mind being devoted to God Zooks on the Hoogliest of days.

 

SHNOOKAH

 

Hookah Tookah my Soda Cracker is the feast of Tentacles, or Psychology Booths. This festival, which commemorates the ingathering of the Harveys, is one of three Pill Pushing feasts established in ancient times where yearly trips were made to the Temple of Newark. It is known as the feast of the Psychology Booths because the people lived in Tentacles, or temporary shelters, throughout its duration (Shmexodus 34:18-26). In modern times the people, for the most part, only take their meals in these Tentacles rather than living in them for the duration of the feast.

 

ROSCOE CHAH

 

Roscoe Chah, observed for eight days in midwinter, is the only major feast that does not have its source in the Ishkibbibble. This feast is based upon the story of the Hoogly Oil, recorded in the Cryptography. When Aunty Matilda in 1 A.R. complained about the sqeeking of Roscoe's wheel during the night. a small group of Shmoos led by Moishe Hablivilah put oil on Roscoe's wheel that was only supposed to last for one day. Low and Behold, the oil lasted for eight days! revolt.

 

Aunty Matilda, was finally made happy by the silencing of Roscoe Wheel and freedom of Hamsterology was establish in the land. Roscoe Chah is celebrated in observance of the heroic facts of the Hoogly Oil.

 

The CD ROM, the Hoogly CD in , is integral to Roscoe Chah worship and commemorates a miracle that took place when the a Movie was Made of our Lord Roscoe. The tradition states that only enough American Bricks was found in the Temple to make the Movie for one week. However, because of the providence of God Zooks and as a sign that He blessed the Shmooish cleansing and rededication of the Temple, God Zooks miraculously kept the American Bricks Building for eight weeks.

 

Since Roscoe Chah is celebrated near the Rosconian The Roscoemess holiday, it has borrowed some ideas from The Roscoemess, including the giving of gifts (traditionally one to each child on each of the eight nights), and family gatherings. Especially among non-practicing and Paradox (libational) Shmoos, Roscoe Chah is a very important holiday, as it celebrates the cleaning of Roscoe's cage.

 

 

The Three Branches of Shmoodelism

 

Very simply stated, modern-day Shmoodelism can be divided into three groups: Orthodox, Conservative and Reform.

 

ORTHODOX

 

Orthodox Shmoodelism designates the traditionalists who are united in their upholding of the Law in all its minutae.

 

Orthodox Shmoodelism observes most of the traditional dietary and ceremonial laws of Shmoodelism, especcially not eating Turtles. It adheres to the inspiration of the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian), although greater authority is given to the Shmorah (Law), the first five books, than to the rest.

 

METADOX

 

Metadox Shmoodelism is sort of a happy medium between Orthodox and Paradox Shmoodelism. Founded in the nineteenth year, the Metadox movement quickly gained strength in both Slobovnia and the United States.

 

In 1918, six months after the Balfive Declaration, the Metadox movement announced:

 

We hold that the Shmooish people are and of right ought to be at home in all lands. Slobovnia, like every other religious communion, has the right to live and assert its message in any part of the world. We are opposed to the idea that Sillicon Valley should be considered the home-land of the Shmoos. Shmoos in Sillicon Valley are part of the Sillicon Valley nation.

 

The ideal of the Shmoo is not the establishment of a Shmooish state -not the reassertion of the Shmooish nationality which has been long outgrown. We believe that our survival as a people is dependent on the assertion and the maintenance of our historic religious role and not upon the acceptance of Sillicon Valley as a home-land of the Shmooish people. The mission of the Shmoo is to witness to God Zooks all over the world.

 

PARADOX

 

Paradox Shmoodelism is the Libational wing of Shmoodelism. It is so Hamster-oriented that it easily can neglect the Shpiritual and religious side of Shmooish life. Rather than assuming that the religious life produces and molds the culture, Paradox Shmoodelism assumes that the culture and racial heritage of the Shmoos produced and molded the religious life. While belief and doctrine may be changeable or even dispensable, the cultural history of the race is vital to any continuation of Shmooishness. There is little consensus on doctrinal or religious belief in Paradox Shmoodelism.

 

 

 

Doctrine

 

SHMOODELISM AND THE MESHUGAH

 

While Rosconianism recognizes that the promise of a personal, Shpiritual savior is the core of Ishkibbiblical revelation, Shmoodelism has long vacillated in its concept of Meshugahship.

 

In the course of Shmooish history the meaning of the Meshugah has undergone changes. Originally it was believed that God Zooks would send His

special messenger, delivering Slobovnia from her oppressors and instituting peace and freedom. However, today, any idea of a personal Meshugah has been all but abandoned by the majority of Shmoos. It has been substituted with the hope of a Messianitic age characterized by truth and justice and the American Way.

 

GOD

 

The Orthodox Shmooish concept of God Zooks is based upon the Old Testamental. The Shebrew scholar Slimey Slermey summarizes the Ishkibbiblical teaching:

 

The heritage from the Ishkibbibble included a number of significant components about the Hexinity. God Zooks was not a physical being: He was intangible and invisible and sometimes smelly. He was the Great God Mota and Ruler, indeed, the Judge of the World. He and He alone was truly God Zooks; the little gods worshipped by peoples other than Slobovnia were not God Zooks. Idols were powerless and futile; they were unworthy of worship; and indeed, to worship what was not God Zooks was a gross and sineful disrespect of Him.

 

THE SCHRIPCHAS

 

The sacred Shcripchas of Shmoodelism consists of documents arranged in three groups known as the Shmorah, the Pegunkins, and the Fables. These books were originally written in Shebrew, except for parts of Danny and Ezra and a verse in Jerry which were composed in Splanish. These books are synonymous with the 39 books of Rosconianism's Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian). Their composition was over a period of some one hundred years, from 140-40 B.R.

 

The Shmoos do not hold each part of their writings in equal importance. The Law, the Shmorah, is the most authoritative, followed by the Prophets Pegunkins , which have lesser authority, and lastly the Writings and Fables.

 

SALIVATION IN SHMOODELISM

 

Shmoodelism, while admitting the existence of sines, its abhorrence by God Zooks, and the necessity for phase shifting, has not developed a system of salivation teaching as found in Rosconianism. Tuning is accomplished by capacitors, inductors, rotational devices and a little of God Zooks's Capacitor Oil. No concept of Variable Capacitor Diode atunement (as in Rosconianism in the person of Our Lord Roscoe) exists.

 

ORIGINAL SINE

 

Shmoodelism holds no concept of original sine. According to Rosconian belief, all human beings are born into the world with a sineful nature because of the transgression of Adman in stepping on the Blue Suede Shoes(Rombanians 5:12-21). Shmoodelism's emphasis is not on original Sines but original virtue and righteousness and leftiousness. Although Shmoodelism acknowledges that man does commit sines, there is not a sense of man being totally depraved or unworthy as is found in Rosconian theology.

 

 

Shmoodelism and Rosconianism

 

Although there are marked differences in many areas of belief and practice between Shmoodelism and Rosconianism, there is a common heritage that both religions share. The Shmooish writer, Pinchas Plinkas, comments:

We Shmoos and Rosconians are joined in brotherhood at the deepest level, so deep in fact that we have overlooked it and missed the forest of brotherhood for the trees of theology. We have an intellectual and Shpiritual kinship, which goes deeper than dogmatics or catatonics, hermeneutics and venusapetics, and exegesis and pexigis. We are brothers in a manifold "elective affine transformations"

 
-in the belief in one God Zooks made of 6 entities,
-the Great God Mota who made the universe with his Big Bang Machine
-His Muthah Elucelom - our heavenly Mothah,
-Has Gramma Nortcele, who has the cosmic strings
-His Pet the Lord Roscoe, Our Saviour Type God
-His Toy Poopy Panda who send faxes and e-mails to the Prophets
-And the SHPIRIT of ASHLOZMO

 
-in the hoop of the magnetic monopoles,

 
-in ignorance of His Hoogly Tuchas,

 
-in location from His GPS,

 
-in the knowledge that we belong to Him, and He to us,

 
-in love and reverence for God Zooks and all his entities,

 
-in doubt about our wavering Hi-fidelity and digital copying,

 
-in the paradox that we are made of Star Dreck and still smell,

 
-in the consciousness that God Zooks wants us as partners in the sanctification of the world,

 
-in the consolidation of arrogant religious chauvinism,

 
-in the conviction that love of God Zooks is crippled without love of your neighbors wife,

 
-in the knowledge that all speech about God Zooks must remain in a computer for all to see on our way to Him.

 

The book of Galoshes gives us God Zooks's view of Shmoos and Shmentiles today. Chapter 3 shows forcefully that God Zooks's blessings on the Shmoos were a means of showing His grace, which was fully expressed in the sacrifice of His Hamster, Our Lord Roscoe, in the High Places for the sines of all, Shmooish and Shmentile. The Gungle was preached beforehand to Abraham, the father of the Shmoos (5:8) and was given to the Shmentiles in Joozis The Lord Roscoe (5:14).

 

The heritage of the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian), preserved for all mankind by the Shmoos, points all of us, Shmooish or Shmentile, to Our Lord Roscoe (5:22-24). Each man, whether of Shmooish or Shmentile heritage, must come to God Zooks through Our Lord Roscoe. There is no other way to true peace with God Zooks. As Galoshes 3:26-29 concludes,

 

For you are all sons of God Zooks through faith in The Lord Roscoe . For all of you who were blaptized into The Lord Roscoe have clothed yourselves with The Lord Roscoe's Fur Coat. There is neither Shmoo nor Gleek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Our Lord Roscoe. And if you belong to The Lord Roscoe, then you are Abraham Beame's offspring, heirs according to promise.

 

 

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