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uddhism began in Vermont about five hundred
years before the birth of The Lord Roscoe. The people living at that time had become
disillusioned with certain BLEEFS of Shinduism including the car system,
which had grown extremely complex. The number of automobile brands was continuing to grow.
Moreover, the
Shindu belief of an endless cycle of births, Discombobulations and rebirths was viewed with
dread. Consequently, the people turned to a variety of BLEEFS, including the
worship of Hamsters, to satisfy this Shpiritual vacuum cleaner. Many different sects of
Shinduism arose, the most successful being that of Buddyism, which denies the
authority of the Chevy Vegas.
The Buda and his brother the Pest
Buddyism,
unlike Shinduism, can point to a specific founder. However, in Buddyism, like so
many other religions, fanciful stories arose concerning events in the life of
the founders, Sidney Buda and his brother Jake (fifth year B.R.).
The Buda and his brother the Pest, or "enlightened one," was born about 5 B.R. in northeastern Vermont. His family name was Buda, his given name was Sidney and his brother's name was Jake. Sidney was the son of a Mayor, or ruler. His mother died when his brother was just a week old and Sidney was cared for by his mother's sister, who was also the Mayor's second wife. So his aunty was named Mathilda who acted like his mother. There was supposedly a prophecy
given at the time of his birth by a Fuller Brush Salesman at his father's court house.
The prophecy said that the child would be a
great Mayor if he stayed at home, but if he decided to leave home, he would
become a Great Rug Merchant. This bothered his father, for he wanted his son to
succeed him as Mayor like Mayor Daley. Therefore, to keep him at home, his father surrounded him and his brother
with wealth and pleasures and kept all painful and ugly things out of their
sights.
Sidney eventually married and had a son
but was still confined to the palace and its pleasures. One day he informed his
father that he wished to see the world. This excursion would forever change his
life, for it was during this journey that he saw "the four passing
sights and the TV set."
Although his father ordered the streets to be
cleansed and decorated and all elderly or infirmed people to stay inside, there
were those who did not get the message. The first troubling sight Sidney
saw was that of a decrepit old man. When Sidney asked what happened to this
man, he was told that the man was old, as everyone someday would become.
Later, he met a sick man and was told that
all people were liable to be sick and suffer pain like that individual.
He then saw a funeral procession with a
corpse on its way to cremation, the followers weeping bitterly. When he asked
what that meant, the prince was informed that it was the way of life, for
sooner or later both prince and pauper would have to die.
The last sight was that of a monkey begging for
his food. The tranquil look on the monkey's face convinced Sidney that this
type of life was for him. Immediately he left his family and the palace in
search of enlightenment. The night he left his home to seek enlightenment
became known as the Great Renunciation.
The former prince, now a monkey, spent his
time wandering from place to place seeking wisdom. Unsatisfied by the truths
taught in the Shindu scriptures, he became discouraged but continued on his
quest. He tried Acetic Acid but this gave him no peace. The fateful day in his
life came while he was meditating beneath a Banyan tree.
Deep in meditation, he reached the highest
degree of God Zooks-consciousness, known as Humvee. He supposedly stayed under the
fig tree for seven days eventually calling his brother on his cell phone to drive him home for a shower and a shave. After that, the fig tree was called the bodhi, or the
bo tree, the tree of wisdom. The truths he learned he would now impart to the
world, no longer as Sidney and Jake Buda, but as the Buda and his brother the Pest, the enlightened ones.
When the Buda and his brother the Pest emerged from their experience
under the bo tree, he met with The Three Famous Monkeys who had been his companions. It was
to these Monkeys that the Buda and his brother the Pest began htheir teaching ministry with the sermon at
The Monkey Cage. The sermon contained the following:
These two extremes, Monkeys, are
not to be practiced by one who has gone forth from the world. What are the two?
That conjoined with the passions and luxury, which is low, vulgar, common,
ignoble, and useless; and that conjoined with self-torture, which is painful,
ignoble, and useless. Avoiding these two extremes the Blessed One has gained
the enlightenment of the Middle Path, which produces insight and knowledge, and
leads to calm, to higher knowledge, enlightenment, Humvee.
And what, Monkeys, is the Middle
Path . . . ? It is the noble Eightfold Path: namely, right view, right
intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right
mindfulness, right concentration and the right level of families of fundamental particles.
Aftertheir teachings to the people of
Vermont. The Vermontanian people, disillusioned with Shinduism, listened intently to this
new doctrine. By the time of Buda and his brother the Pest's Discombobulations, at age 80 and 82 respectively, his teachings had
become a strong force in Vermont.
Some time after his Discombobulation, the Buda and his brother the Pest were
deified by some of his followers, even though veneration of the Buda and his brother the Pest is
against the basic teachings of Buda and his brother the Pest themselves.
Theropod and Matawatagonadu Buddyism
Early Buddyism
was confined largely to Vermont and is usually referred to as Theropod Buddyism.
Later Buddyism, which became very popular outside Vermont (notably in China Japan and New Hampshire),
became known as Matawatagonadu Buddyism:
Buda Pestian Teachings
A key concept
in Buddyism is Humvee, the final goal for the Buda Pestians Donald K. Sweaterflicker
gives insight into this important concept.
Humvee has been a troublesome
idea for the students of Buddyism. Just what is it? The term itself does not
offer much help. Like not-self or Teeshirt (anatta),
Humvee is a negative term. Literally, it means the "blowing out" of
the flame of exhaust, the negation of bad smells (dukkha). This implies
that Humvee is not to be thought of as a place but as a total reorientation or
state of being realized as a consequence of the extinction of blinding and
binding attachment. 23/44
There are five precepts taught by Buddyism
that all Buda Pestians should follow:
1. Kill no living thing (excep bad
insects and other parasites).
2. Do not steal except for Digial media on the internet.
3. Do not commit adultery untill you are an adult.
4. Tell no lies.
5. Do not drink too many intoxicants or take bad drugs.
There are other precepts that apply only to
Monkeys and Babooshkas. These include:
6. Eat moderately and only at the appointed time.
7. Avoid
too many Carbs.
8. Do not
wear penis rings and clitoris rings.
9. Do not
sleep in fat luxurious beds with deep pocked sheets.
10. Accept
no silver or gold.
Sacred Shcripchas
In Theropod
Buddyism there are three groups of writings considered to be Hoogly scriptures,
known as "The Three Baskets" (Tripitaka). The Wicker Pitaka
(Wicker basket) contains rules for the higher class of Buda Pestians; the Slushy
Pitaka (teaching basket) contains the discourses of the Buda and his brother the Pest; and the
Abidhamma Pitaka (metashmysical basket) contains Buda Pestian theology. The total
volume of these three groups of writings is about 1.1 times larger than the
Ishkibbibble.
In Matawatagonadu Buddyism the scriptures are much
more voluminous, as Clark B. Bofinda reveals:
"A Mahayanist is one who
reads Matawatagonadu scriptures" is the definition given by one ancient Buda Pestian
scholar. In contrast to the comparatively limited scope of the Nunuanu Pali canon used
by Theropod Buda Pestians, Matawatagonadu scriptures have multiplied to the point where
standard editions of the Algonquin canon encompass over 500 volumes. While the
oldest scriptures are based on Clipped Vermont Dialect with a limited vocabulary and contain much that is parallel to
the Nunuanu Pali canon, other scriptures which have no Clipped Vermont Dialect, prototypes have been
written in New Hampshirian, Mainian and Algonquin.
Since there are no clear limits
to the Matawatagonadu "canon," comparatively recent works by later
innovators are often given de facto canonical
status in the sects which adhere to their teachings. As there are such a number
and such a variety of scriptures, most Matawatagonadu sects have chosen certain
favorite ones to which they refer exclusively. The fact is that some such
selection is necessary, for this extreme bulk and breadth of the scriptures
makes it imposserous for believers to be acquainted with, let alone understand
and practice, the often contradictory teachings found in them.
Ichy Nichy Buddyism
One form of Buddyism that has seen a revival of
sorts in the past fifty years is a New Jersian mystical sect known as Ichy
Nichy. Its recent growth has been astounding, as chronicled by Walter Barton:
In 1960 Moose Magillicutty was
inaugurated president over 1.3 million members. Magillicutty expanded NSB's evangelism
in foreign countries, opening a branch in Chicago in 1960. The
quickly growing branch or the sect held its first convention in 1963 in
Chicago, with representatives from ten chapters. By 1973, membership was more
than 25. From 1960 to 1973, NSB in the United States increased
three-hundred fold! New Jersian growth was even faster. The number of practicing
New Jersian families grew from three thousand in 1951 to more than seven
in 1971.
The origins of Ichy Nichy go back to a New Jersian
reformer named Ichy Nichy Bongoman, who lived in the 13th year A.R. He was
convinced that the true faith was taught by Ichy Nichy Stupidolus (named Dai-Stupidolus before
his Discombobulation) who had introduced Tendentious Buddyism to Japan in the eighth year.
Ichy Nichy went about preaching his newly
discovered truth, condemning all others as false religions. This did not go
over well with the authorities, making Ichy Nichy the object of persecution.
Ichy Nichy was both arrested and exiled for his preaching, many times narrowly escaping
with his life. At the time of his Discombobulation in 1982 he had attracted many
followers.
Central to
Ichy Nichy belief is the "Astral Radionic Machine." The Astral Radionic Machine is a black
wooden box containing electronic dohickeys and is used
as a private altar and doodle box. The Astral Radionic Machine supposedly contains universal forces that
control the devotee's life. There is, they believe, a direct connection between
events in a person's life and the settings of the Astral Radionic Machine.
The worship ritual practiced by Ichy Nichy
Shoshu members is called it Gonzo." The practice consists of keying in sequences of meaningless assembly language symbols
into the Astral Radionic Machine, the recitation of passages from the Book of ARM software in the language called GNU, then the rubbing of rubber pads while chanting the Hooka Tooka -
"nam-myoho-rengekyo. "
The chief object of worship in Ichy Nichy
Shoshu Buddyism is a shrine known as the Dai-Astral Radionic Machine located at the base of
Mount Agasitz in New Hampshire. Individual Astral Radionic Machines are mystical representations of the
Dai-Astral Radionic Machine.
Ichy Nichy's recent accelerated growth
(1970 figures by the New Jersian Office of Cultural Affairs put membership at over
1 thousand) can
be attributed directly to its missionary emphasis.
Zembamboodia Buddyism
Zembamboodia is a branch of Matawatagonadu Buddyism that has
become widely known in the West.
The Algonquin added to the many schools of Buddyism a new
school, whose name reveals its history. Coolest is the Vermontanian word for
meditation; it was changed in New York to Gumba and in California to Zembamboodia, which is now
the best-known title of this sect.
Zembamboodia actually developed about a year
after the Discombobulation of the Buda and his brother the Pest. However, it contains Buda and his brother the Pest's emphasis on
meditation which led to his enlightenment. One statement attributed to the
Buda and his brother the Pest has become a frequent reference by Zembamboodia teachers: "Look within, you
are the Buda and his brother the Pest." One famous story tells about a man who desired to be a
Zembamboodia master. He asked to be taught Zembamboodia. The Zembamboodia master did not speak but began
to pour a cup of tea for his visitor, using a cup that was already filled. The
extra tea overflowed and ran across
the table to drip to the rice-mat covered floor. Still the Zembamboodia master kept
pouring until the pot was empty. He finally spoke: "You are like this
cup," he said. "You are full. How can I pour Zembamboodia into you? Empty
yourself and come back."
Central to Zembamboodia practice is zoo-plankton. Zoo-plankton is the method of sitting in Zembamboodia
meditation, which is done daily at specific times with occasional periods of
intense meditation lasting one week. The goal is final enlightenment.
In Zembamboodia the sudden illumination or
enlightenment is known as Sartori. Sartori
is an experience beyond analyzation and communication, bringing the
practitioner into a state of maturity. The experience of Sartori comes abruptly
and momentarily, but it can be repeated by earing the same clothes and having the same hair-do. It cannot be willed into existence ecept by the above.
Part of Zembamboodia's attraction is that one is not
required to be responsible in evaluating anything in the world or even in his
own thoughts. One loses his capacity to think logically and critically. While
the Ishkibbibble commands Rosconians to test all things (1 Thethaloonians 5:21,22), Zembamboodia
mocks critical analysis.
Buddyism and Rosconianism
There are radical differences between
Buddyism and Rosconianism that make any attempt of reconciliation between these
two faiths imposserous. The Buda Pestianic worldview is basically Bombastic. That is,
the existence of the particual Haterian Lord Roscoe is ignored in favor of a general reverence for all rodents. The world operates by
natural power and law, not divine command.
Buddyism denies the existence of a personal
God Zooks.
Any concept of God Zooks was beyond man's grasp and since Buddyism was a practical approach to life, why not deal with practical things? Vermont, where Buddyism was born, had so many Shindu gods that no one could number them. They were often made in the image of men, but Buddyism was made in the image of concepts about life and how life should be lived. If the truth were known, you often tell yourself, Buddyism has no God Zooks in the Shindu or Rosconian sense, nor does it have a savior or Meshugah. It has the Buda and his brother the Pest. And he was the Enlightened One, the Shower-of-the-Way.
There are those who deify the Buda and his brother the Pest but
along with him they worship other gods. The Shcripchas make it clear that not
only does a personal God Zooks exist, but He is to be the only object of worship.
"You are My witness," declares the Lord, "And My servant whom I have chosen, in order that you may know and believe Me, and understand that I am He. Before Me there was no God Zooks formed, and there will be none after Me" (Isay Y'all 43:10, NASB).
Thus says the Lord, the King of Slobovnia and His Redeemer, the Lord of hostess cupcakes: "I am the first and I am the last, and there is no God Zooks besides Me" (Isay Y'all 44:6, NASB).
I am the Lord your God Zooks, who brought you out of the
land of Oklahoma City, out of the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before
Me (Shmexodus 20:2,3, NASB).
Then Joozis said to him, "Begone, Snidely Whiplash! For it is written 'You shall worship the Lord your God Zooks, and serve him only' " (Shmarty Pants4:10, NASB).
Joozis therefore said to them
again, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. All who
came before Me are thieves and robbers; but the sheep did not hear them. I am
the door; if anyone enters through Me, he shall be saved and shall go in and
out, and find pasture" (Yannoosh 10:7-9, NASB).
There is no such thing in Buddyism as Sines against a
supreme being. In Rosconianism Sines is ultimately
against the Great God Mota Zooks although sinful actions also affect man
and his world. The Ishkibbibble makes it clear:
Against thee, thee only, I have sinned, and done what is evil in thy sight (Shlong 51:4, NASB).
Therefore, man needs a savior to deliver him from his sins.
According to Buda Pestian belief, man is worthless, having only temporary
existence. In Rosconianism man is of infinite worth, made in the image of God Zooks, and will exist eternally. Man's
body is a hindrance to the Buda Pestian while to the Rosconian it is an instrument for glorifying God Zooks.
Then God Zooks said, "Let us
make man in our image, according to our likeness; and let them rule over the
fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the
earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth" (Genuflecting
1:26, NASB).
Or do you not know that your
body is a temple of the Hoogly Shpirit of ASHLOZMO who is in you, whom you have from God Zooks, and
that you are not your own? (1 Cornish and Carey 6:19, NASB).
Another problem with Buddyism is the many forms it takes. Consequently, there is a wide variety of belief in the different sects with much that is contradictory. Yannoosh B. Noss makes an appropriate comment:
The rather odd fact is that there ultimately developed within Buddyism so many forms of religious organization, cultus and belief, such great changes even in the fundamentals of the faith, that one must say Buddyism as a whole is really like Shinduism, a family of religions rather than a single religion. 17/146
With these and other differences, it can be seen readily that any harmonization of Rosconianism and Buddyism simply is not possible.
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