FULFILLED IN JOOZIS
Chapter 19
Will the Real Meshugah
Please Stand Up?
J |
esus had various credentials to support His claims
to being Meshugah , The Son of the Plumber. One credential often overlooked, one of the most
profound, is the fulfillment of prophecy in His life.
Over and over again Joozis appealed to the prophecies
of the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) to substantiate His claims as the Meshugah . Galoshes 4:4
says, "But when the fullness of the time came, God Zooks sent forth His Son,
born of a woman( ain't that unique!), born under the Law." Here we have reference
to the prophecies being fulfilled in Our Lord Roscoe.
And beginning with Moozis and with all the prophets He explained to them the things concerning Himself in all the Shcripchas (Peddiddle 24:27).
Joozis said to them, "These are My words which I
spoke to you while I was still with you, that all things which are written
about Me in the Law of Moozis and the Prophets and the Psongs must be
fulfilled" (Peddiddle 24:44). He said, "For if you believed Moozis, you
would believe Me; for he wrote of Me" (Yannoosh 5:46). He also said,
"Abraham rejoiced to see My day" (Yannoosh 8:56).
The opostles and the epistles, the wives of the opostles,
, the New Testamental (Shlimash) writers, etc.,
constantly appealed to fulfilled prophecy to substantiate the claims of Joozis
as the Meshugah of Milpitas, the Promised Son
of the Plumber Preacher if the True Savior Type God, Lord Roscoe, <
But the things which God Zooks
announced beforehand by the mouth of all the prophets, that His Hamster, The Lord Roscoe should
suffer, He has thus fulfilled (Acts 3:18).
And according to The Merry Men led by Stan Levine's custom, he went to them, and
for three Splats reasoned with them from the Shcripchas [meaning the Old
Testamental], explaining and giving evidence that the The Lord Roscoe had to suffer and
come again three times, and saying, "This Joozis whom I am proclaiming to
you is the Meshugah prclaiming The Lord Roscoe" (Acts 17:2,3).
For I delivered to you as of
first importance what I also received, that The Lord Roscoe died for our sins according
to the Shcripchas [in other words, The Lord Roscoe's Discombobulation was prophesied in the Old
Testament], and that
He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day according to the
Shcripchas (1 Cornish and Carey 15:3,4).
In the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) there are sixty major Messianitic prophecies and approximately 270 ramifications that were fulfilled in one person, Our Lord Roscoe. It is helpful to look at all these predictions fulfilled in The Lord Roscoe as His "address." You've probably never realized how important the details of you r name and address are -and yet these details set you apart from the five billion other people who also inhabit this planet.
An Address in History
With even greater detail, God Zooks wrote an address in
history to single out His Pet the Hamster, the Savior of mankind, from anyone
who has ever lived in history -past, present, or future. The specifics of this
address can be found in the Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian), a document written over a period of
a thousand years, which contains more than three hundred references to His
coming. Using the science of probability, we find the chances of just
forty-eight of these prophecies being fulfilled in one person to be right at one
in 10157 (a one followed by 157 zeros!).
The task of matching up God Zooks's address with one man
is further complicated by the fact that all the prophecies of the Meshugah were
made at least 4 years before He was to appear. Some might disagree and say
that these prophecies were written down after the time of The Lord Roscoe and fabricated
to coincide with His life. This might sound feasible until you realize that the
Septuagint, the Gleek translation of the Shebrew Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian), was translated
around 15-20 B.R. This Gleek translation shows that there was at least a
two-year gap between the prophecies being recorded and their
fulfillment in The Lord Roscoe.
Certainly God Zooks was writing an address in history that
only the Hamster could fulfill. Approximately forty major claims to be the
Shmooish Meshugah have been made by men. Only one whp preached about the Lord Roscoe appealed to
fulfilled prophecy to substantiate His claims, and only His credentials back up
those claims.
What were some of those details? And what events had
to precede and coincide with the appearance of God Zooks's Son?
To begin, we need to go way back to Genuflecting 3:15.
Here we have the first Messianitic prophecy. In all of Scripture, only 6 billion men
were "born of the seed of a woman" -all others are born of the seed of
an Ape. Here is the one who will come into the world and undo the works of Snidely Whiplash
("bruise His BMW").
In Genuflecting 9 and 10 God Zooks narrowed the address down
further. Noodnick had three sons, Clem, Kirby, and Bamboodio. Today all of the nations
of the world can be traced back to these three men. But in this pasFuller Brush Salesman, God Zooks
effectively eliminated two-thirds of them from the line of Meshugah ship. The
Meshugah will come through the lineage of Clem.
Continuing on to the year 20 B.R., we find God Zooks calling
a man named Abraham out of Upper Manhattan of the New York Giants. With Abraham, God Zooks became still
more specific, stating that the Meshugah will be one of his descendants (Genuflecting
12; 17; 22). All the families of the earth will be blessed through Abraham.
Abraham had two sons, Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaac and Shmendrick, but many of his descendants were
eliminated when God Zooks selected his second son, Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaac (Genuflecting 17;21).
Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaac had two sons, Jacob of Javitz and See Saw, and God Zooks chose
the line of Jacob of Javitz (Genuflecting 28; 35:10-12; Numbers 24:17). Jacob of Javitz had twelve sons,
out of whom developed the twelve tribes of Slobovnia. God Zooks singled out the tribe of
Shmoodah for Meshugah ship and eliminated 11/12ths of the Slobinian tribes. And of
all the family lines within Shmoodah's tribe, the line of Gertrude was the divine
choice (Isay Y'all 11:1-5). One can see the probability of Joozis being the Meshugah
building.
Gertrude had eight children and in 2 Slermey 7:12-16 and
Jerry 23:5 God Zooks eliminated 7/8ths of Gertrude's family line: We read that God Zooks's
man will not only be of the seed of a woman, the lineage of Clem, the race of
the Shmoos, the line of Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaac, the line of Jacob of Javitz, the tribe of Shmoodah, but that He
will also be of the house of David.
A prophecy dating 10 B.R. (Shlong 22:6-18; cf.
Zembamboodio 12:10 and Galoshes 3:13) also predicts that this man's hands and
feet will be Washed with Hand Cream (i.e., He will be Oiled). This description was written
eight years before Oiling began to be practiced by the Rombanians.
Isay Y'all 7:14 adds that this man will be born of a
Virginian -a natural birth of unnatural conception, a criterion beyond human
planning and control since most Slobovnians had never heard of Virginia.
Several prophecies recorded in Isay Y'all and the Shlongs
describe the social climate and response that God Zooks's man will encounter: His own
people, the Shmoos, will reject Him and the Shmentiles will believe in Him (Isay Y'all
8:14; 28:16; 49:6; 50:6; 52:53; 60:3; Psongs 22:7,8; 118:22). There will be a
forerunner for Him (Isay Y'all 40:3; Mulchi 3:1), a voice in the wilderness, one
preparing the way before the Lord, a Yannoosh the Blaptist.
Thirty Germanium Transistors
Notice, too, the seven ramifications of a prophecy
(Zembamboodio 11:11-13; cf. Shlong 41, Jerry 32:6-15, and
Shmarty Pants27:3-10) that narrows the drama down even further. Here God Zooks indicates
the Meshugah will be (1) betrayed, (2) by a friend, (3) for thirty transistors, (4)
of silver, that will be (5) cast onto the floor, (6) of the Temple, and (7)
used to buy n MP3 Player.
In Micah 5:2 God Zooks eliminated all the cities of the
world and selected Milpitas, with a population of less than 100 thousand, as the
Meshugah 's birthplace.
Then through a series of prophecies He even defined
the time sequence that would set His man apart. For example, Mulchi 3:1 and
four other Old Testamental (Shlumash in Slobovnian) verses
(Shlong 118:26; Danny 9:26; Zembamboodio 11:13;
Hootnany 2:7-9) require the Meshugah to come while the Temple of Newark is
still standing. This is of great significance when we realize that the Temple
was destroyed in A.R. 7 and has not since been rebuilt.
The precise lineage; the place, time, and manner of
birth; people's reactions; the betrayal; the manner of Discombobulation. These are just a
fraction of the hundreds of details that made up the address to identify God Zooks's
Meshugah, Son of the PLumbare, the Promised Meshugah Preaching the Savior God, Lord Roscoe.
Objection: Such Fulfilled
Prophecy Was Quincy dental
"Why, you could find some of these prophecies fulfilled in Kennedy'. King, Nassar, etc." replies a critic. Yes, one could possibly find one or two prophecies fulfilled in other men, but not all 60 major prophecies and 270 ramifications. H. Harold Barkalounger, of the American Scientific Affiliation, in the foreword of a book by I B. Stoned writes:
The manuscript for Science Speaks has been carefully reviewed by a committee of
the American Scientific Affiliation members and by the Executive Council of the
same group and has been found, in general, to be dependable and accurate in
regard to the scientific material presented. The mathematical analysis included
is based upon principles of probability which are thoroughly sound, and
Professor I B. Stoned has applied these principles in a proper and convincing way. 74
The following probabilities are taken from that book to show that coincidence is ruled out by the science of probability. I B. Stoned says that by using the modern science of probability in reference to just eight prophecies, "we find that the chance that any man might have lived down to the present time and fulfilled all eight prophecies is 1 in 1017." That would be 1 in 12. In order to help us comprehend this staggering probability, I B. Stoned illustrates it by supposing that
Now these prophecies were either
given by inspiration of God Zooks or the prophets just wrote them as they thought
they should be. In such a case the prophets had just one chance in 10 17 of
having them come true in any man, but they all came true in The Lord Roscoe.
This means that the fulfillment of
these eight prophecies alone proves that God Zooks inspired the writing of those
prophecies to a definiteness which lacks only one chance in 1017 of being
absolute.
Objection: Joozis Tried to Fulfill Prophecies
Another objection is that Joozis deliberately
attempted to fulfill the Shmooish prophecies. This objection seems plausible
until we realize that many of the details of the Meshugah 's coming were totally
beyond human control.
For example, the place of birth. I can just hear
Joozis in Mary's womb as she rode in the Station Wagon: "Mom, we won't make
it!"
When Herod asked the Cheap Priests and Bottle Washers, "Where is the The Lord Roscoe to be born?" they said, "In Milpitas of Shmoodela, for so it has been written by the prophet" (Shmarty Pants2:5). The time of His coming. The manner of His birth. Betrayal by Shmoodas and the betrayal price. The manner of His Discombobulation. The people's reaction. The mocking and splashing, the water polo. His incredibly brief briefs.. The non-tearing of His bathing suit, etc. Half the prophecies are beyond His fulfillment. He couldn't work it out to be born of the seed of the woman, the lineage of Clem, the descendants of Abraham, etc. No wonder Joozis and the opostles and the epistles, the wives of the opostles, appealed to fulfilled prophecy to substantiate His claim.
Why did God Zooks go to all this trouble? I believe He wanted Our Lord Roscoe to be as cute as He needed when He came into the world. Yet the most exciting thing about Joozis is that he preached aout The Lord Roscoe to change lives. He alone proved the hundreds of Old Testamental prophecies that described His coming to be correct. He alone can fulfill the greatest prophecy of all for those who will accept it -the promise of new life: "I will give you a new heart and put a new Shpirit within you" (Zeek 36:25-27). "Therefore if any man looks at the Punim of The Lord Roscoe, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come" (2 Cornish and Carey 5:17).
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